The Acme Acres 500 A Tiny Toon Adventures Fanfiction by Leandro Martins Pinto, renebunny@hotmail.com July 20, 1999 Hiya again Toonsters, and welcome to my third TTA Fanfic, and I hope you enjoy it. It's an action/comedy kind of story, and with a new character. I hope that I made him right, because character development isn't really one of my specialties yet, but I'm working on it. A very special thank you goes to Renee Carter Hall, who did the revision and edition of this text, which is my first fanfic written direct in English. Believe me, I think she knows the work that she had to do the edition! Tiny Toon Adventures, Looney Tunes, Animaniacs characters, and all related material is (c) and TM of Warner Bros., a Time-Warner company, and were used without authorization, but with the respect that they deserve. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Babs, Fifi, and Shirley had just left their last class, and the three were headed for the cafeteria, chatting all the way. "So he told me he'd call me that afternoon," said Babs, pushing open the cafeteria door, "but then he--" SPLOOF! An apple pie hit her in the face. Babs wiped sticky syrup from her eyes and tried to see what was going on. A huge battle was taking place in the cafeteria, with toons hiding behind overturned tables and hurling pies, snacks, and other half-identifiable cafeteria food. "FOOD FIGHT!" Fifi and Shirley screamed in delight, grabbing pies and returning the attack. "All right, everybody, cut it out!" said Penelope, striding into the cafeteria wearing a blue UN Peacekeeper helmet. Since she was the closest teacher at that time, it fell to her to impose order and discipline among the young toons--if such a thing were possible. "He started it!" said Buster, wiping mashed potatoes off of his face and pointing to Ted Turtle, the Tiny Toons student of Cecil Turtle. "*He* started it!" said Ted, pointing to Buster. Babs put down the cream pies and watermelons she was carrying and approached the two. "Before I bring out the heavy artillery," she said, "*what's going on?*" Hamton appeared to answer her question. Although everybody else was covered with food, he was still clean--he'd eaten everything that came his way. "Buster and Ted were talking about the cartoons Bugs and Cecil did together," Hamtton explained. "Then they started arguing about who was better at racing--Bugs or Cecil--and then--" "Of course Bugs is the best!" Buster interrupted. "He only lost the race because the script said he had to! The whole thing was rigged!" Half of the toons in the cafeteria spoke up, agreeing with Buster. "Oh, really?" said Ted. "Wasn't he the star of the cartoon? Why would the script tell the star to just 'lose' the race?" The other half of the toons agreed with him. Buster turned to Penelope. "Isn't Bugs the best?" Ted spoke up, too. "No, it's Cecil--isn't it?" Penelope looked from one to the other, thinking. "Well, kids," she said finally, "it's really a matter of opinion..." "Besides," said Babs, "you're going about it all wrong! You've got to settle this like gentlemen." She grabbed Ted by the collar of his shell, knocking the baseball cap off his head. "I'm sure Buster's going to challenge you to a race--*and* show once and for all that rabbits are better!" "Yeah, I'll challenge you to a race, and show you--" Buster stopped, realizing what he was saying. "Works for me," said Ted, putting his cap back on. "I accept." All the toons started cheering. "But--wait a--Babs--what?" Buster sputtered, trying to figure out exactly what had just happened. Babs turned back to Ted. "We'll work out the details later with Bugs." Ted nodded, then turned to Buster. "See you at the race," he said ominously. "A race!" said Plucky. "Ticket sales, concessions, endorsements...!" His eyes lit up with dollar signs, and he grabbed Hamton. "Plucky," Hamton ventured nervously, "you really think that's a good idea--" "Come on, Hammy--we've got work to do!" Plucky dashed off, Hamton in tow. "A race," said Fifi as she and Shirley approached the two rabbits. "C'est tres romantic, non?" "I still think the two of you could have aligned your auras with a spiritual discussion, instead of using a testosterone-induced competition that produces mondo bad karma, or some junk," said Shirley. "Still, it should be totally exciting!" "Thanks a LOT, Babs!" Buster whirled to face his girlfriend. "Don't you know what you just did? I'm not exactly the favorite in this race!" "Aw, come on," said Babs. "Don't you trust me?" She cupped his face in her hands. "Don't you trust yourself? I'm absolutely positive we'll think of a way for you to win. Of course, I don't have the slightest idea right now, but--" Buster started to say something, but Babs held his mouth shut. "Now, don't say a word. Let's go see Bugs and get this all worked out." * * * * Ted Turtle rummaged through his locker, thinking about the race. It had been inevitable, really. From the first day he'd started at Acme Loo, he knew that he would end up racing Buster. In fact, he was almost surprised that it had taken this long to happen. He'd learned well from his mentor Cecil--how to act slow and sleepy, hiding the cunning inside... As Ted stacked his books on the shelf, Montana Max came up to him.. "I've been looking for you," said Monty. "I was just thinking about this race. I wish I'd thought of it myself--it's perfect humiliation for the rabbit. Why don't you drive one of my cars, and--" "I thought you'd make an offer like that," said Ted. "But it isn't necessary. Buster's my rival, not my enemy. Frankly, I really don't need you." "Hey, who do you think you are to talk to me like--" "I don't need your car, I mean," said Ted smoothly, realizing that the way to Monty's heart was through his ego. "I already have a driver and a teammate. You should be in the race yourself. That way, *you'd* be the one to beat Buster. Think about it." Monty thought, then chuckled devilishly and headed down the hall. "You're right. I'll see you in the rear view mirror, loser!" "Maybe," said Ted, "maybe not..." He slammed his locker shut, and the sound echoed in the empty hall. * * * * "A race, eh?" said Bugs, pulling a carrot from his desk drawer and crunching on it. "Sounds like you've got a terrific idea, kid." "Me?" said Buster. "*Me?* If Babs had kept quiet for once in her life, we wouldn't--" "That's very kind of you, Buster, but I don't deserve *all* the credit," said Babs sweetly, infuriating Buster even more. Fifi and Shirley, who had gone with them to Bugs' office, giggled softly. "Looks like it's my job to set up da rules," said Bugs, pulling down a map of southern California. "We'll start with a few laps on da Acme Acres Speedway, and den a few cross-country along here..." He drew a route on the map. "Like, how long will the race be?" asked Shirley. "We'll call it da Acme Acres 500," said Bugs. "Dat oughta answer your question. And just one rule." "What's that?" asked Buster. "Dat dere are no rules." Bugs rolled up the map. "Whoever makes the 500 miles foist, wins. Using whatever means and equipment necessary." Bugs turned to Buster. "Dis is a challenge to the honor of rabbits everywhere, y'know. Remember, Cecil was a good racer, so I know he's taught Ted a thing or two." "Hmmm." Buster thought. "To win, I'm going to need more than just the usual toon routines. I need to find somebody to teach me how to drive like a real racer. Somebody who knows how to put the pedal to the metal, somebody who drives like a complete maniac! But where am I going to... find...?" He trailed off as the others all looked to Babs. Babs smiled innocently. "Oh, no," said Buster. "*Please,* no!" Babs dragged him out of Bugs' office. "Come on, blue ears, it'll be fun! Let's get going--we don't have much time!" Bugs crunched his carrot thoughtfully. "Eh, I think his honor isn't da only thing in danger." * * * * "The other member of the Acme Team is one of the greatest mechanical geniuses in Acme Acres!" said Babs when they reached Acme Loo's technology lab. As she spoke, the profile of an important-looking toon began to appear in the shadows. Buster's eyes widened, excited by the possibilities. "He's one of the greatest racers ever," Babs continued, as the figure approached. Fanfare music trumpeted in the background. "*And* he's designing all your cars!" Babs finished. The toon came into the light: Calamity Coyote. The music ground to a halt. "Anything but this--!" said Buster, running off. "Come back here..." Babs stretched out her arm, grabbed her boyfriend by the ears, and pulled him back, dropping him in the middle of the lab. The lab looked more like a garage than a laboratory, with half- finished cars and odd-looking tools scattered all over the floor. Babs gestured to a huge piece of complicated machinery. "Calamity's going to show us how he'll assemble your cars, with the state-of-the-art 'Acme Make-Your-Own-Car Assembly Line.' Calamity?" Calamity raised a sign reading "OK" and hit the start button. The assembly line whirred to life. Buster watched with interest as a mechanical arm (with a cartoon glove) started to work, heading toward a large bin of car parts. "Buster," said Babs suddenly, "I think you're standing a little too--" The hand grabbed Buster and carried him to the start of the assembly line. "--close," Babs finished, wincing. "Hey, put me down!" Buster struggled, but it was no use. Babs turned to Calamity. "Do something!" Calamity frantically pounded on the control panel, yanked out wires, and held up several asterisk-ridden signs. Nothing worked. With the sounds of "Powerhouse" in the background, the assembly line kept running. Mechanical arms gave Buster wheels and tires, then dropped a V-8 engine on his head, assembled a chassis around him, and spray-painted him. Just as Calamity finally found a way to override the controls, the mechanical hand dropped a brand-new Acme Motors Buster SLXi in front of him. Buster managed to get his head out of the chassis. "Calamity, I hope your factory gets downsized." "Look on the bright side," said Babs. "This way, you'll really get to feel the road." * * * * Across the Acme Loo campus, Hamton put up the last "Acme Acres 500" poster, while Plucky, wearing a "AA500" baseball cap, used a megaphone to address the crowd of students around him. "Get your tickets now! They're going fast! Acme Acres 500 souvenir programs, flags, drink cups, and T-shirts! Place your bets now on who will win the Acme Acres 500!" Plucky put down the megaphone and picked up a small notebook, taking bets from the students. Then he saw Monty nearby, headed toward him. "Come on, Monty, Buster's paying ten to one! How about--" "I'M NOT BETTING ON ANY STUPID LOSER RABBIT!" Monty roared, forcing Plucky to hold tight to his cap. "I'll just bet a little pocket change" --he dropped a huge bag of money on Plucky-- "on the surefire winner--ME!" Monty grabbed his ticket and left. Plucky popped out of the money bag and spit out a beakful of coins. "I'm rich!" "Um, Plucky?" Hamton tugged on Plucky's shirt, but the duck had dollar signs in his eyes. "I'm financially secure--huh?" Plucky turned and found himself face-to-face with Yosemite Sam. Sam grabbed Plucky by the shirt. "There are rules against betting on campus, varmint!" "Hi, Professor," said Plucky, sweating. "Uh... here, have a VIP pass on me." Plucky took out a pass bearing Sam's photo and tied him up with the cord, then grabbed Hamton and ran down the hall. "Come back here, you lily-livered....!" But by then, Plucky and Hamton were too far away to hear. * * * * That afternoon, Buster and Babs were at the Acme Acres Speedway with their friends. Buster's #90 stock car, covered with labels bearing Acme product logos, was parked along the pits. While Buster and Babs (in drivers' jumpsuits) made the final preparations for the test, the pit crew of Furrball, Fifi, Shirley, and Hamton stood by with tools and tires at the ready. Calamity was there as well, wearing huge headphones and taking notes. "I'll take the car around a few laps, to give you some tips, Buster," said Babs, "so pay attention." Buster took a seat in a nearby chair and settled back, putting on his cap to keep the sun out of his eyes. "Works for me," he said. "I'll just watch from heeeeere!" Babs yanked him inside the car, leaving his cap spinning in the air. Buster was stuffed between Babs and the steering wheel. "Babs," he said, "are you nuts? This is only supposed to seat one!" "Don't be silly. There's plenty of room, and you need to watch closely. Besides, isn't it romantic, being all cozy like this?" "Your idea of a date in a car is kinda different from mine, Babs," said Buster, trying to reposition himself between the steering wheel, the car's controls, and Babs. Calamity held up an all-clear sign, and Babs hit the start button on the car's control panel. The engine rumbled, then roared, the sound reverberating around the speedway. "Ready, Buster?" she asked. Without waiting for an answer, she put in the car in gear and hit the gas. * * * * As the car came to a stop in the pit, Calamity pulled out a hammer to crack the sheets of ice covering the car. Babs pushed Buster out onto the ground--the blue rabbit looked like a pretzel, his wide eyes frozen in panic. Babs followed him out of the car and strolled over tto Calamity while the others started working on what was left of the car's tires and body. "Pretty good stability, Calamity," she said. "At least the tires weren't totally destroyed. It's not so great in the curves, but I think Buster was still able to pick up a thing or two, weren't you?" She looked back at Buster. "I-hate-flying-I-hate-flying-I-hate-flying-I-hate-flying..." He was still in the same position. "Don't be so dramatic," Babs sighed. "A few more laps, and you'll be ready to go!" She slapped Buster encouragingly on the shoulder--or whatever passed for it. Buster fainted into the asphalt. * * * * Meanwhile, Ted Turtle and Little Beeper watched out the city bus window as their stop approached. Little Beeper scribbled a few lines on his notepad, then showed it to Ted. he wrote. "You'd still have to wait for me," said Ted. "Relax, Beep. There's no hurry. We have to make sure everything's going as planned." Ted adjusted his baseball cap and leaned back. Little Beeper asked. "You know Plucky. He never gives up." Beeper wrote, smiling. "You bet," Ted agreed. "He'd been hanging around so much trying to spy on us that it was time to make good use of that curiosity. In our favor." "Clampett Station," the bus' electronic voice cut in. "Routes 65, 44, and R5, and the Acme Acres Speedway." The two toons got off the bus and headed for their team's main garage a few blocks away. When they reached the supply storage area, they saw that the equipment boxes had been delivered on schedule. Plucky had been there to see the boxes arrive, judging by the Plucky-shaped crater in the ground underneath a broken skylight. Little Beeper made a quick note. "Perfectly," said Ted, smiling. * * * * "Of *course* I'm sure!" said Plucky. "I'm telling you, he's got an electric car." "How do you know?" Buster asked. "I saw the equipment in their garage. Tons of boxes, with the Acme Electric logo--you know, the 'AE' in the circle?--all kinds of stuff." "You saw it? You're sure?" Babs asked skeptically. "Yeah, when I was up in the--well, that doesn't matter. The point is, Ted's betting everything on experimental technology." His expression turned sinisster. "A very big risk... one I'm sure he'll pay for." He accented his last remark with an evil laugh. "Spare us the drama, Plucky," said Buster. "Are you absolutely sure about this? Is there anything else you haven't told us?" "Don't you guys trust me?" Plucky asked. Then, hurriedly, "That's a rhetorical question!" With that, he left the garage. "If what he said is true, we don't have much to worry about," said Babs. "I hope you're right," said Buster. "Hey, wait a second--if you're so good with the car, why aren't *you* racing Ted? You're a rabbit, too!" "Simple," said Babs. "Not so long ago, *I* was the rabbit the author kept beating up on with his gags, so now it's *your* turn!" With that, 399 cans of Acme Engine Oil fell from the garage shelves, pummeling Buster. Buster got up dizzily. "I think I see your point...oof!" The 400th can hit him then, knocking him out again. * * * * "Good morning, Toonsters, and welcome to the Acme Acres 500," said Sylvester, broadcasting from the speedway. "We've got a great race for you today, folks, and we'll be broadcasting it live here on K-ACME/SI." Sylvester then turned to Road Runner, who was at his side typing closed-captioned commentary. he typed. "It'd be even better if you were out there today," Sylvester commented. Road Runner typed. Sylvester smirked. "Very funny..." Crowds of toons packed the Acme Acres Speedway's stands, waiting for the race to begin. Down on the track, the pit crews worked at a frenetic pace, each team making the final adjustments on its car. Nearby, Mary Melody interviewed several of the racers for the K-ACME/SI coverage. Most major studios sent their finest racers: Hanna-Barbera, for instance, was represented by the cast of the Wacky Races. Even Mickey sent a Disney- sponsored car--an animated, New-Beetle version of Herbie. But everyone's attention was on the first rows, where Buster and Ted would start. * * * * "You know, Buster hasn't looked too excited about all of this," said Plucky as he and Babs approached the Acme Team's truck. "Are you sure he's going to win this thing?" As the truck's back doors opened, a cloud of white fog billowed over the two. As dramatic music swelled in the background, Buster stepped out, suited up and carrying his helmet under his arm. Calamity followed with the car, shined and sleek, the morning light rippling over the metal. "I think he's finally realized he has the right stuff," said Babs proudly, going to hug her boyfriend. "You look confident this morning, Buster." Buster put down his helmet and pulled on his gloves. "Well, Babs, since you got me into this, I've realized I'd better get myself out of it... Buster style!" "HA!" Monty interjected, passing by the rabbits. "The only thing that's going to be 'Buster style' is your crash!" He headed for his Bigfoot-style 4X4, already in the start position. "Better go back to your figure eights, Monty!" Buster called after him. "That's as fast as you'll be going today!" "Montana Max: Expert of the fine art of being a jerk," Babs remarked. "I hope one of--" "Oh, it's you, it's you, it's really REALLY YOU! AHAHAHA!" Buster suddenly found himself in the viselike grip of a teenaged toon girl. "Hey, watch it," he said, trying to pull free. "Who are ya, Elmyra's cousin?" "I've wanted to meet you my whole LIFE!" she shouted, even more excited. "I think you're the greatest toon driver of ALL TIME!" Finally releasing Buster, she took out a pen and book and handed it to him. "Could I have your autograph, please-please-PLEASE?" Buster dusted himself off, a little pleased by the admiration, and signed her book. Babs watched 'Mr. Popular' closely--despite the fact that the girl looked like a 17-year-old Elmyra, she was still kind of cute, in a strange, manic way. After a moment, Buster handed the book back to her. "Oh, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU SO MUCH!" she said, opening the book to see what he wrote. "Hey, wait a minute!" she said when she read it. "You're not Tom Slick! Hmmpf!" She stalked off. Buster turned, confused, to Babs. "Don't look at me," said Babs. "I never could understand Pepper either! Come on--we'd better get to the car." * * * * "Hey, Buster," said Babs once Buster's car was in the start position, "I saw Little Beeper over there, but where's Ted? It's almost time to start." As if on cue, a shadow appeared on the horizon, and Ted's team approached. Buster took a good look at Ted's car, which seemed disturbingly familiar. It was a kind of chariot on tires, pulled by a pair of huge jet engines. An energy beam connected the engines. Everyone turned to Plucky. "I *knew* you'd forget something important!" said Buster. "Come on, guys!" said Plucky. "How was I supposed to know that Acme Electric just got bought out by Lucasfilms?" Ted got out of the podracer and approached the group. "Ready for the race, Buster?" "You're going to need more than that movie tie-in to beat me!" Buster replied. Just then, the announcement came to clear the track, and signs went up reading "5 minutes." Soon after the National Anthem, each toon got into his vehicle, and the crews made their last-minute adjustments. Sylvester handed the microphone to Granny. "Toonsters," she announced, "start your engines!" Engines roared all across the speedway. The crowds cheered, increasing the noise. "Good luck, Buster." Babs gave Buster a quick kiss, helped him close the black net in the car's window, and left the track. She passed by the pace car, where Skippy Squirrel was talking to the driver. "Why did they choose you as the pace car driver, Aunt Slappy?" Skippy asked. "Another lousy cameo," she replied. "Ah, what the heck... Besides, this was the only way they'd let me race." "You mean they realized this was the only way to keep you from destroying all the other racers before they finish the first lap... right?" "You bet, Skippy," said the old squirrel with a laugh. "Now get outta my way and let me start this thing." Once her nephew was safely out of the way, Slappy drove the red Dodge Viper to the track and led the first presentation lap. All the racers followed her, making zig-zag movements along the way. Slappy picked up speed at the end of the second presentation lap, and as she left the track, Bugs gave the green flag, and all the toons hit the gas. Buster started on the left side of the curve, but Ted came up on his right side and took the lead. Reacting quickly, Buster kept his car just a half-second behind Ted's, both toons driving so fast that they looked as though they were driving one car. The Acme Acres 500 had begun. * * * * After eight laps, the speedway was showing the consequences of a toon race: several traffic lines going nowhere were drawn on the track, destroyed "tunnel entrance" backgrounds littered the lanes, and several anvils and assorted heavy objects posed a challenge to the rescue teams, who were working nonstop to keep the track clear. Ted was in the lead, with the second, third, and fourth positions changing almost every few seconds. No car was holding the same position for more than half a mile. "Guys, this is, like, totally weird," said Shirley, on the sidelines with the rest of the team. "Little Beeper is helping Ted, or some junk." She pointed to the track. Little Beeper was behind Ted, but in front of Buster and the other racers. "He's, like, keeping everyone away from Ted--and he's using Calamity, too." The others saw what she meant. Calamity was staying right behind Little Beeper, jamming the other racers into a tight group close to Buster. All the cartoon routines were hard enough on the driving conditions--having the cars so close made everything worse. "Sacre bleu!" said Fifi. "Buster's going to have trouble getting out of all zis traffic, no?" Babs checked her stopwatch, then the computer set up before her. "He's losing seconds in every lap!" Babs put on her comm headset, spoke with Calamity, then switched channels. "Buster, do you read me, over?" "Go ahead, Babs." "I told Calamity to go easy on Beeper and try to catch Ted. Get into that space so you can pass Beeper." "Roger that, Babsy," Buster replied. Buster steered his car just behind Calamity's. In just a moment, Calamity was third with Buster in close pursuit and Little Beeper behind Buster. "If he stays in the same lap with Ted, he can pass him when the point-to-point starts," said Plucky, watching the K-ACME/SI coverage. The bottom of the screen now read 'Two laps until the point-to-point race begins.' Above the text, the screen showed the view from an on-board camera mounted on Penelope Pitstop's car. Behind her were Disney's Herbie, The Mean Machine and the Shooting Star, all three running side-by-side. Just then, Dastardly released two missiles from his car, aimed at the cars on either side of him. Racer X managed to avoid the one device, which then hit the wall and bounced back in the Mean Machine's direction. The second missile was slid off-course by Herbie's rounded shape and also headed back to its point of origin. Both missiles hit the Mean Machine simultaneously, and Dastardly lost control, spinning across the track and hitting several of the other cars. After the smoke cleared, everyone pulled themselves out of the wreckage, including Mutley, who was grinning at a furious Dastardly. It was a huge crash even for cartoon standards, so a yellow flag went up, and Slappy drove onto the track in front of Ted. Taking advantage of the situation, Buster drove into the pit to refuel. Shirley and Fifi quickly started changing Buster's tires, and Hamton began refueling the car. Halfway through, however, Buster noticed that the yellow flag was about to be taken off--and just in time for the point-to-point race. The speedway gates would be opening any second. "Hamton, it's enough!" Buster called, getting ready to go. "Clear the track!" "Just a few more seconds!" Hamton replied. "Buster, wait!" said Babs. "You won't have enough fuel to finish!" "We'll think of something later!" said Buster. "I've got to get back out there!" He hit the gas and took off, leaving a cloud of exhaust and black tire marks on the asphalt. Buster reached the track several positions behind Ted, just as the speedway gates opened and the drivers headed out to the highway. Ahead of them was an endless view of bridges, roads, and billboards as far as they could see. The drivers turned onto the roads reserved for the race: first the I-10, then the I-15. Ted kept the lead, followed by Little Beeper, Peter Perfect's Turbo Terrific, The Mach 5, and Calamity's stock car. Several miles later, the racers drove onto the I-40, on their way to the checkpoint 140 miles ahead. * * * * "We've got to get to the checkpoint fast!" said Babs, running with Hamton to the Acme Team's helicopter at the local airport. The two were lugging fueling equipment, hoping that Buster wouldn't run out of gas before he reached the checkpoint. "I've got an idea!" said Hamton suddenly. He turned away from the helicopter and went instead to an old KC-123 tanker. The two got in and took off, heading northeast along the race's route. "I saw this once in a TV commercial," said Hamton as he piloted the plane. Babs scanned the road with binoculars, looking for Buster's car. "There he is!" she said. "Quick--go down." In his car, Buster was keeping one eye on the road and another on his fuel gauge, which was now below the red line. Then Babs' voice crackled in his helmet's comm system. "Buster, get ready to receive fuel, over!" "What?" Buster looked around. No checkpoint ahead--not even one in sight. "Fuel? Babs, what are you talking..." He stopped as he turned to the left. One end of a huge hosee was right in front of his face, with the other end connected to the plane. "Uh-oh," said Buster. It was all he could manage before they started pumping the fuel. "Buster, is it enough? Over," asked Babs. Buster, now struggling to drive the car while floating in the green liquid, called back: "It's (glub) enough (glub), Babs!" * * * * Now that his car was refueled, Buster was gaining on Ted. Just as Buster pulled right behind Ted's racer, they approached a tunnel. Both toons checked their navigation systems--yes, it was a real tunnel, not a painting or background. As their vehicles entered the dark tunnel, Buster finally passed Ted to take the lead. Now if he could just find some way to stay in the lead... Buster thought for a moment, then had an idea. Maybe not the most original, but it might work... With the end of the tunnel in sight, Ted suddenly felt a slight bump behind his podracer. The turtle shrugged it off--probably nothing to worry about. As he emerged into daylight, he watched Buster's car disappearing in his rear view mirror and snickered. The road was empty in front of him now, and he engaged both engines at full throttle and leaned back, relaxing in victory. After a few minutes, though, something felt wrong. Ted rubbed his eyes and squinted at the road. He didn't feel very tired, but his vision was getting fuzzy--the road didn't look quite right--it almost didn't look-- Ted slammed on his brakes, stopping his podracer--and saw that the background was still passing quickly by his windows. "NO!" He hit his helmet with both fists. "How could I fall for such an old trick?!" Fuming, Ted climbed out of the cockpit and saw what Buster had done. His podracer was resting on sawhorses, surrounded by several computer screens over his windows. Behind the monitors, Ted found a computer and a software box: "The Acme Acres 500 PC CD-ROM." Attached was a note: "YOUR TRIAL PERIOD OF THIS SOFTWARE HAS EXPIRED. BUSTER." Ted crushed the note in his fist, jumped back into the cockpit, and hit the accelerator, crashing into the monitors. At full speed, he flew out of the tunnel and back onto the road. * * * * "GET OUT OF MY WAY, RABBIT!" Buster winced as Monty's voice blared over his comm system. He looked in his mirror--Monty was gaining fast. The two had switched places several times over the past fifty miles, thanks to various cartoon routines. At first, Buster had merely been irritated by the delay, but now he realized he'd have to get rid of Monty before Ted got back in the race. Buster increased his speed, then pulled off once Monty was out of sight. Monty frowned at the object in the distance. A toll booth? Here? "*Stop!*" Buster called from the booth. Monty slammed on his brakes. "I'm in a race!" said Monty angrily, not recognizing Buster in his disguise. "Why should I stop? And why should I pay you anything, you--" "Sorry," said Buster. "If you want to go beyond this point, you'll have to pay two ninety-nine." "All right," Monty muttered, digging out three bills and handing them to Buster. He waited a moment. "Hey, *where's my change?*" "You really want it?" Buster asked. "OF COURSE I WANT IT!" "Okay, here you go." Buster pulled on a nearby rope, dropping a huge penny. The coin spun, then fell, crushing Monty's car. * * * * With Monty out of the way, Buster kept driving, closing on the Acme Acres Speedway--and the finish line. Just then, he saw a cloud of dust coming up fast behind him. It looked like the race was going to be close. They drove into the speedway together, side-by-side, for the final lap. The crowds in the stands got to their feet, cheering as both vehicles rounded the next-to-last curve. Buster looked across at Ted; Ted looked at Buster. Both knew that only a few more miles kept them from the finish. In the stands, everyone was cheering for their favorite--some called out "Buster!;" others, "Ted!" "Can't you go any faster?" Ted taunted, speeding up. "Faster than you think!" Buster replied, staying with him. Both cars went faster and faster. Everyone in the stands watched and waited. Faster. Faster still. Thousands watched on TV. Faster... "I can draw Buster faster!" said the Warner's animator, scribbling drawing after drawing. "And I can draw Ted even faster!" said another animator working beside him, filling their cubicle with drawings. Buster's car was nearing its limit, even for a cartoon vehicle. Both drivers were tired and sweaty--the interiors of both cars were up to 120 degrees. But they couldn't stop, not now, not with the end so near... Ted engaged his afterburners, quickly burning the last of his fuel. Flames and soot covered the track as they rounded the last curve. Less than a mile now--and that's when it happened. The cable that connected Ted's right engine to the podracer broke, spinning the vehicle to one side, just as two of Buster's tires blew. Losing control, Buster hit Ted's left engine, and both cars slammed into each other, colliding in a huge ball of fire headed for the finish line... neck-and-neck with a small cloud of dust. The fireball and the dust cloud passed together under the "Finish" banner, then reached the checkered flag. Buster and Ted's vehicles crashed against the wall, and both teams' pit crews ran out to the track. Before they reached the wreckage, though, Buster and Ted climbed out, blue fur and green shell charred and blackened. "I won!" they both exclaimed together. Buster and Ted turned to face each other. "Get real!" they chorused. "*I* won!" "Well, da winner *was* a Tiny Toon," said Bugs, coming toward them. "But I'm afraid it wasn't either of you kids." "WHAT?!" the two said. Babs came over to the group, followed by Calamity and Little Beeper (who had taken fourth and fifth place) and the rest of the Acme Team. "But if it wasn't either of them," she said, "then who was it?" Bugs pointed to a cheering crowd in the distance. There, being carried along by the crowd, was Lightning Rodrigues, the Tiny Toon mentored by Speedy Gonzales. The little mouse wore flowers around his neck and clutched a shining gold trophy. Buster and Ted's chins hit the track. "Wow, that's one heck of a surprise cameo," said Plucky. "But that doesn't settle anything!" said Ted. "What do we do now?" "I think there's only one thing to do," said Babs, pulling out a steaming apple pie. Buster grinned at her and produced his own stack of pies. "FOOD FIGHT!" The End --------------------------------------------------------------------------- As usual, thanks for reading it, and if you have any comments, just send me a message at renebunny@hotmail.com or on the TTA Fanfic Mailing List. Ted Turtle (c) 1999 by this author. If you want to use him in some other fanfic, feel free to do so, but just let me know first. As a matter of fact, I'd like to see Ted in more stories, as I think that he can be more developed.