All That Glitters... By Paul R. Zook (aka Peter Bunny) PeterABnny@AOL.com -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The romance/drama you are about to read is a bit of a departure and an experiment for me; a departure, because I'm shifting my focus to those two people I haven't used before (Fifi and Hamton) and the relationships between and among them. An experiment, because I am trying to incorporate popular music to add - I hope - a little something extra to my story. While the idea (by now) isn't a new one, I agree that if used properly lyrics can add much to the tone and overall feeling of a story. As always, a heap o' thanks go to Kevin Mickel and Jamie Wilmoth (whose help I can never thank enough), and a special thanks goes to Renee Carter Hall, for her help with proper English *and* French. My mailbox is always open, so drop me a line and let me know what you think - good or bad. Hope you enjoy it! Original Tiny Toon Adventures characters, their names and likenesses are (tm) & (c) Time-Warner Inc./Amblin Entertainment and are used without permission. This file cannot be altered in any way but can be freely distributed electronically. Additionally, it cannot be archived on any commercial product (CD-ROM, etc.) without my express written consent, and any use in a commercial compilation is likewise verboten without my say-so. Please feel free to make private hard copies of this story iften it suits your fancy! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _Two beaux!_ As many times as Fifi ran the notion through her mind, she still couldn't believe it. For nearly all of her dating life, boys always ended up running away from her. Now *two* suitors were competing for her affections! But who to choose? What Hamton lacked in self-esteem and physique he made up for in sincerity, loyalty and trustworthiness. Hamton had always been very sweet to her, and he possessed that certain quality that made Fifi feel completely at ease whenever she was with him. Their friendship was always deep. But now, curiously, he finally - and suddenly - seemed to be asserting himself, as if to bring their relationship to a decidedly romantic level. And then there was Philip... Ex-Perfecto transfer student and a recent addition to Acme Looniversity. Popular, handsome, a promising athlete, Philip Skunk found a home at the Loo. Most of the Acme girls wanted to call him theirs, but of all the girls there, only one French skunkette truly caught his eye. Fifi at once liked his soft-spoken, friendly demeanor. But as the ever-increasing amount of passed notes would attest, Fifi and Philip were starting to become more than just friends. Little did Fifi know, however, that in the days ahead, a tete-a-tete was coming... "I don't care if he *did* take her home yesterday - you still totally have a chance," assured Shirley as she and Hamton wound their way up the crowded hallway before class. "Like, just have a little confidence, or some junk! I'll totally be right here with you! Now remember - I'll be behind Fifi, and all you do is read off these placards as I hold them over her head. Like, how much easier can that be?!" "But, gosh, Shirley, that's what you said about your last idea," said Hamton. "Like, I totally didn't count on the sweat of your hand washing all the words off," countered Shirley. "Just read what I have written, and I'm sure she'll agree to go to the Valentine's Day dance with you. Seriously! It's, like, cosmic, or some junk!" Shirley and Hamton stopped once they reached the doorway to the classroom that Fifi and Shirley shared. Looking back down the hall, Shirley quickly said, "Ooh! Here she comes now!" "Uhh, uh, okay," uttered Hamton hesitatingly as Fifi approached them. "Hiya, Fifi!" greeted Shirley. "Uh, h-hello, Fifi," said Hamton. Nervousness crept into his voice. "Bonjour!" returned Fifi, more to Hamton than to Shirley. Sufficiently satisfied that Hamton was out of words, Shirley discretely sidled behind her lavender friend, whipped out a small cardboard placard that read "COMPLIMENT HER!", and held it over her shoulder. "You, uh... You look very pretty today," said Hamton. "Ohhh, thank vous, Hamtone," Fifi purred. "Thank vous for zee rose yestairday. Eet was tres sweet!" Hamton giggled self-consciously as his face started to flush. "Aww, it was nothing." Another pause. Not missing a beat, Shirley slid back around Fifi and tried to keep the continuum flowing: "So, like, is everyone looking forward to Valentine's Day Dance, or what?" "Oui! Tres, tres much so!" said Fifi. "Has Pluckee asked vous yet?" "Yeah, but I haven't told him if I'll go or not," Shirley answered. "I thought I'd, like, make him sweat, or some junk. You know, see if he, like, behaves himself." "Le sigh!" breathed Fifi. Looking Hamton squarely in the eyes she cooed, "I'm just waiteeng for someone special to ask me..." It was all Shirley needed to hear. Ducking behind Fifi, she whipped up a sign reading "ASK HER!". Fifi, sensing something going on behind her, turned around. Shirley instantly hid her placards behind her back and grinned a slightly embarrassed smile. Hamton, wanting to keep Fifi's attention, giggled nervously, then asked, "Um, Fifi, has anyone asked you to Valentine's Day Dance yet?" "Non," said Fifi, turning. "Well, uh..." Hamton's delayed response was immediately cut off: "Heya, guys! Hiya, Fifi!" It was Philip. Striding up to where they were, he greeted in a warm, friendly voice, "Hiya, Hamton. Hello, Shirley!" "Hello, Philip," said Hamton. "Hmph!" frowned Shirley. "Oh! Philip!" said Fifi, pleasantly surprised. "How are you, cheri?" "Great! Say, Fifi, I only have a second now, but there's something I wanted to ask you. Can you meet me towards the end of lunch?" "Oui! I can do zat!" "Okay, cool! Well, I gotta run. See you, all!" As the tawny-colored skunk dissolved back into the crowd, Fifi let out an audible sigh. Hamton, believing that Fifi's sigh and Philip's question meant unbeatable competition, suddenly felt overmatched. As the class bell rang, he hung his head and disappeared before Shirley even knew what had happened. Lunchtime came as it always did, and as they usually did, Plucky, Shirley, Buster and Babs shared a table eating their usual lunches. "I still don't know what you have against Philip," said Buster, prodding his food to make sure it was still lifeless. "He's a heckufa nice guy!" "Yeah!" added Plucky. "He's even helping me pass Cartoon Logic 110!" "Like, I had my premonitions," Shirley said brusquely. "*Three* of them so far. He's *mondo* bad news, and he's not the one for Fifi." "Your premonitions..." said Plucky sarcastically. "Yes, my premonitions!" said Shirley defiantly. "When have they been wrong?!" "Well, you said the Cincinnati Bengals would have a winning season last year," said Buster. "You said Richard Simmons would find a girlfriend," joined Plucky "You said Mr. Magoo would become a cross-dresser." "You said - " "Okay, like, I get the point!" snapped Shirley, piqued. "But this one is going to happen! I have no doubt about it! It's, like, so strong that my aura won't leave me alone, or some junk! Totally bad karma!" "I dunno. I think you're off your rocker!" said Babs. "I heard back from my Perfecto contact last night." "Perfecto contact?" asked Buster. "Don't tell me you two actually had a *spy network* set up to dig up dirt on Phil!" "Well..." "Good grief!" cried Buster, shaking his head. "Can't ya leave that guy alone?! They've already had two dates! Don't you think he would have been found out by now?" "We were, like, only acting in Fifi's best interests, or some junk!" insisted Shirley. Then, with a glint in her eye only a wolf would love, she asked, "So, like, what did you find out?" "Nothing!" said Babs. "According to my source, he wasn't the most popular guy there, but was no social outcast either. Was at no loss for dates, or so I gathered..." "Mm hmm..." "He did have a sweetie there, but their relationship ended when he cheated on her." "Ah, HA!" crowed Shirley in smug satisfaction. "Like, I KNEW it! The smoking gun! He IS a rat!" "Well, he might seem like a rat," countered Babs calmly, "if not for the fact that his floozy girlfriend was cheating on him first for the three weeks before he found out. Cheating on someone already cheating on you doesn't exactly count as cheating in my book. Shirley, he's clean!" Undeterred, Shirley kept up the attack. "It doesn't matter," she said flatly. "I've, like, found someone who can give personal testimony as to his character, or some junk." "Aw, it's just a bunch of hooey!" said Plucky. Babs herself wasn't fully convinced. "Who is it?" she asked. "Like, her name is Candy Vixen, and she goes to Perfecto," Shirley said. "She used to be his girlfriend." "Harriet's friend?" asked Babs. "Yeah, and I've arranged to meet with her and you and Fifi in the library after school, or some junk." "Knows him and can give personal testimony..." said Babs. "Can give personal testimony," affirmed Shirley. "That he's a worm..." "That he's a worm," Shirley said. "Hmmm... Well, alright," said Babs. "I'll meet with you. But I hope for Fifi's sake that you're wrong!" "Aw, you girls are just nuts!" said Buster. "Leave the poor guy alone!" "Bonjour, everybodee," greeted Fifi as she neared their table. Shirley nudged Babs, who in turn ordered, "Okay, boys, amscray! This is girl talk time." "What?! But we're not finished with our lunches!" protested Plucky. "Well, if you want to take me to the dance," warned Shirley, "you'll, like, leave into another dimension!" "But... Babs - " "That goes for you, too, Blue Ears..!" said Babs. With a bit of grumbling, Buster and Plucky reluctantly gathered their lunch trays and moved on. "Why is it that whenever girls get together to talk like this, we guys always end up paying for it..?" grumbled Plucky to Buster. "What ees eet vous wanted to talk about?" asked Fifi once she was settled in and the boys had left. "Philip Skunk," Shirley said. "Ohhh, non! Not zis again!" moaned Fifi. "Now, now Fifi," said Babs soothingly. "We're your pals and we just want you to listen to us for just a moment." "Ees zis about zose sillee premonishons of yours" asked Fifi with an arched eyebrow. "Yes." "Sacre bleu!" Fifi groaned as she put a hand to her head. "Now, Fifi," said Babs, "just listen for a second. Please?" As Fifi started to calm down, she twisted off a small piece of her croissant. "Try to understand. We just want to be sure you know who you're going out on dates with, that's all." "We've alreadee had deux dates, et he's been, how you say? A perfect gentlemon both times! Vous theenk zat I don't know what I'm doeeng?" asked Fifi warily. "No, no, no, no, not at all," said Babs quickly. "When Philip first came here from Perfecto I was as skeptical as anyone as to what kind of a guy he was. You saw how cool I was towards him." "Et vous learned about, how you say? His true colairs, no?" "Yes, yes, I did," Babs said. "Even after Shirley's premonitions. I didn't think there was much in them, either. But now there's something you should know. Shirley might, um, have some information you should know." "Ouuiiii?" Fifi said, slowly and cautiously. "Yes," said Shirley. "There's, like, someone you should totally meet. Someone who knows Philip Skunk personally, or some junk. Seriously! They were, like, intimate at one time. Fifi, like, he's not the person you think he is!" "Hmph!" huffed Fifi. "Anyway, I've arranged a meeting with her for us after school today. She'll, like, tell us what he's really like." "A meeteeng?!" said Fifi. The annoyance was obvious in her voice. "Now, I don't know what this is about," said Babs, more to Fifi than anyone. "Probably nothing, knowing how nice a guy Philip is. But, hey, we should at least hear her out, don't you think? That last guy you liked was nice, too, until we found out he liked to keep a collection of woman mannequin heads in his room." Fifi sighed. "Oui, I suppose you're right," she said softly. "Okay, then, retro!" said Shirley. "We'll meet after class and go over to the library. By the way," she said, looking around. "Like, where's Hamton? I have something to talk to him about, or some junk." "Oh, I think he's helping Professor Porky or something," said Babs just before taking a long draught of her carrot soda. "At least, that's what it looked like when I passed by their homeroom..." On the other side of the cafeteria, Buster and Plucky sat alone together, eating their lunches and trying to figure out what their sweethearts were conjuring up now. "It can't be anything *I* did," said Plucky with a mouth full of food. "I've been behaving myself incredibly well all this week!" Buster opened his mouth to contradict his friend when a soft-spoken voice addressed them: "Hi, Buster. Hey, Plucky. Can I talk to you guys for a second?" It was Philip Skunk, and it was obvious that something was bothering him. "Sure! Go right ahead," said Buster. "Why so glum, chum?" asked Plucky. "I need some advice." "What about?" Buster asked. "Well..." said Philip hesitantly. "It's about Shirley... Is there any reason why she's so cold to me? I mean, I haven't done anything that would make her so dislike me, have I?" "Shirley seems to think that your attention to Fifi is less than honorable," said Buster. Philip sighed. "Is it that obvious that I like her?" he asked. "Listen, pal," reassured Buster with a grin, "you get the same moonstruck look that Plucky gets whenever Shirley shows him any affection." "Well, there's the pot calling the kettle black!" huffed Plucky. "Okay, fine - it's true! I *do* like Fifi!" said Philip, looking hurt. "But what's wrong with that? I've done nothing to her. Nothing at all! I've done nothing to Shirley! But what is it about me that makes Shirley not like me? I mean, I've been here, what, three months? I seem to get along with everyone here... Everyone *except* Shirley!" "I dunno," said Plucky as he finished up the last of his sandwich and wiped his hands with a napkin. "Shirl can be kinda strange sometimes. In spite of my mastery of the female mind, she's the one and only girl that I'm still trying to figure out." "Some people around here are more suspicious of Perfecto people than others," Buster said. "It just might take a little time, that's all." Philip looked away. "I hate not being liked," he said softly. "But that's why I transferred here," he said with a growing affirmation. "To get away from those stuck up snots and jerks at Perfecto! Everything's different here! Here I can be myself - at least, far more than I ever could there! The culture's different. It's laid back. And my friends mean a lot to me here. Which makes this thing with Hamton all the more difficult..." "Hamton thing?" asked Buster. "Well, if it's obvious that *I* like Fifi, it ought to be obvious that *Hamton* likes her, too." "Ah, yes," Buster said. "Yeah, he has been talking about her recently." "No," corrected Plucky, "she's *all* he's been talking about recently! You two seem to be in some kind of competition for her!" "Just the very thing I don't want," Philip said dryly. "I mean, I like Hamton, too, and value his friendship. I don't mean to compete against him like this. I don't *want* to compete against him. But I really like Fifi! She's unlike any girl I've ever met before!" Philip turned and looked off into the distance for a few moments before returning his attention to Buster and Plucky. "What do you think I should do?" he asked in a tone that was almost pleading. As Plucky drank the last of his cup, Buster sat back in his chair. Both seemed to be thinking. "Dunno, Phil," said Buster. "I think that's something you need to decide for yourself. I can't really take sides - I don't wanna take sides - 'cause I value both yours and Hamton's friendships." Philip looked at Plucky, and the look on Plucky's face told him that Plucky was - at least at this moment - at a complete loss for words. "I... I'm with him," Plucky said shortly. "Normally, to those I don't know, I'd say it was all's fair in love and war. But in your case... I'm with him." Philip thanked Buster and Plucky. As he stood up to leave, it became clear to him just what he had to do... It took Shirley nearly all her remaining time to find Hamton. Eventually she did, however, exactly where she started - in the Loo's cafeteria. Those few groups who still remained were either doing homework, playing cards, or idly talking. But Hamton was all alone as he ate, looking very downtrodden. "Hamton!" she greeted. "Like, there you are! I've been looking everywhere for you, or some junk!" "Oh! Uh, hello, Shirley. I was just helping Professor Porky move some of his cartoon props into his office earlier." "May I have a seat?" "Okay," said Hamton. As Shirley sat across from him, he went on: "I'm sorry I missed you all before. But I promised him that I'd help him at lunch today. Did I miss anything?" "Like, not really. Same old same old," replied Shirley. Getting right to business she said, "Philip hasn't asked Fifi to the dance yet." Hamton instantly brightened. "He-he hasn't?!" "Nope," Shirley said with a smile. "He hasn't." "Gee! I was *sure* that he had! Gosh! What should I do now?" Shirley opened one of her textbooks and brought out a note. "Here," she said with a victorious grin. "Like, rewrite this and give it to Fifi right away, or some junk. Then, after she's done reading it, ask her, like, yea or nay." "Ask her? As in (gulp) *by myself*?" Hamton balked as he took the paper. "Certainly!" beamed Shirley. "It's like, totally cosmic! Once she reads your note, her karma will be in such a state of, like, Nirvana, that she'll all but ask *you herself*!!" "Wowww!" marveled Hamton. He read the note aloud: "Uh, Fifi... All day long I've been thinking of you. In fact, I seem to be thinking of you more and more every day. Lately it seems that if I don't see you at least once a day, something's missing in my life. Will you go to the dance with me?... Hamton." "Like, you don't even need to ask her, directly! All that hard work's been, like, totally done by the note!" enthused Shirley. "Fifi *can't* say no!" Hamton sat back in his chair, elated. Finally, it seemed, things were starting to go his way. "Okay!" he said. "When I see her next I'll give her this note..!" As the final few minutes of the school day closed in on 3:00, life quickly returned to the students of Acme Looniversity. This being Friday, once it sounded, the end of classes was greeted with a special anticipation by one and all. But perhaps no one looked forward to the end of the day more than Shirley and Hamton. Since he only had time enough to give Fifi his special note before class, Hamton now rushed to her classroom to ask her for her answer. Who would have thought that that one small piece of looseleaf paper would have made him feel so energized? He felt reckless. He felt bold. He felt victorious. This time, he *was* going to ask Fifi to Valentine's Day Dance, and no one - not even Philip - was going to beat him to her, or take the wind out of his sails! Suddenly, he spotted her as she made her way towards him. The skunkette didn't see him, however, until she was right in front of him. "Hello, Fifi!" he greeted cheerfully. "Hamtone, mon petite bacon d' beets!" gushed Fifi. "Zank vous for zee note! Oh, Hamtone, eet was so veree sweet!" Hamton's face reddened, and he giggled self-consciously. However, his momentum was still very much with him. "So, uh... Fifi, would you... like to go? To the dance, I mean..." he asked, looking down to the floor. "Ohhh, Hamtone," Fifi glowed, "vous are tres sweet..." _Here it comes_, thought Hamton with happy anticipation, _The moment of truth_. "...But Phileep has alreadee asked moi, cheri." Fifi's words shot through Hamton with more destructive force than a bullet ever could. "Wh-wh-Huh?" he stammered, incredulous. Shirley's piece d' resistance had failed, and his joy was instantly crushed. "I'm so soree, Hamtone. But Phileep had alreadee asked moi before you gave moi zee note," Fifi said softly. She noticed as the change in Hamton's eyes went from happiness to utter despair. "See, he gave moi zese flowairs, too..." Hamton looked and for the first time, he saw them - a small bouquet of two white roses, lovingly embraced by baby's breath and a sprig of green, all wrapped up in emerald-colored tissue paper. It suddenly became impossible to go on. "Uh... well... um... that's okay," he said, his voice reduced to a whisper. "But we can steel go out sometime, cheri," Fifi added quickly. 'Ow about Satairday? Oh, wait - sacre bleu! - I just remembaired. I have to, how you say? Babyseet..." "Fifi! There you are!" a voice called out as Babs and Shirley emerged from the throng of exiting students. "Hiya, Hamton." "Uh, hello." "Like, come, Fifi. It's time to go to the library, 'kay?" Shirley announced. Fifi groaned softly to herself. "Call moi, won't vous?" Fifi said gently to Hamton. Then, turning her attention to Shirley and Babs she muttered, "Oh, alright..." As the three girls started to walk off, Babs turned and called back, "The gang's getting together at Wienie Burgers tonight! 8:00! Coming?" "Oh, I dunno," Hamton replied. "Maybe..." "I'll, like, call you!" Shirley waved. As he watched the trio disappear with the crowd Hamton suddenly felt all alone and empty. For him, "maybe" was rapidly turning into "definitely not"... In the lonely basement of the vine-covered Looniversity Library, among the stately oak bookshelves containing the likes of Chaucer, Chopin and Chandler, and nestled in a quiet little nook behind the periodicals section, a lone figure filed her nails in boredom as she waited for her appointment. It was Candy Vixen. "Like, hiya, Candy," Shirley greeted as she, Babs and Fifi approached. "I'd like to totally thank you for coming, or some junk!" With her almond-colored eyes and light blonde hair, Candy wasn't striking for just her beauty; more attention was probably drawn to her wardrobe (or the lack thereof). The short black skirt she wore clung to her long, curving thighs, and looked so tight that it literally appeared to be a second skin. Like her skirt, Candy's black buttoned-down halter top was tight-fitting, and barely contained the rather generous bust it semi-covered. Completing her outfit (and perfectly complimenting her white and auburn-colored fur) was a scarlet, loosely-hung, see-through silk blouse, that was probably thrown on as an afterthought. But nothing drew the attention of Fifi, Shirley and Babs more than the sparkling, 3.5-karat diamond necklace that graced her slender neck. "Hey, no problem!" Candy replied with a wave of her hand. "I owed Harriet the favor. I gotta remember to thank her for fixing me up with that Chris dude! We had a date last weekend, and - whew! - I couldn't walk straight for *days*!" Fifi, Babs and Shirley cringed at that last piece of unsolicited information. "Yeah, um, anyway, this is my friend, Babs," said Shirley, her white face reddening. "Hi!" "Um, nice to meet you," said Babs. "...And this is Fifi. She's, like, the one who I was telling you about, or some junk." "Ah! Fifi! Yeah, how's it goin' Frenchie?" Candy greeted warmly. "So Philip is at Acme now, hmm? Funny. He seemed happy enough at Perfecto. Ah, well. So you're the one interested in Philip, eh?" "Eh... oui..." The vixen chuckled. "What ees so funee?" asked Fifi. "I used to go with him, ya know. Frenchie, if you're looking for a meaningful, long-lasting relationship, you ain't gonna find it with Philip. He isn't the faithful kind." Fifi's eyes narrowed. "What do vous mean?" she asked in a low voice. "He's hanzome, sweet, careeing, honest, et been nozeeing but a, how you say? Perfect gentlemon to me. I feel perfeclee comfortable around him, and I trust him." Candy let out a loud laugh that echoed off the surrounding bookshelves. "What's so funny?" asked Babs. "He's been pretty much as she describes him!" "Ladies, don't let those drop-dead georgous looks deceive you!" Candy explained. "I oughta know - I went with him for a week and a half. He's quite the manipulative, love-'em-and-leave-'em-kind. Take that one Perfecto party at Eata Bitta Pi two weeks ago. We were both there, and damn if he didn't work on every good-looking chick at the house! I mean, I thought *I* was bad about that; sheesh! He's worse than I am!" "You see, Fifi?" said Shirley triumphantly. "Like, I told you he was no good!" "Well, I wouldn't say he was *totally* useless," Candy replied with a sly grin. "He *was* good with his hands..." Babs was strangely without comment, but Fifi was nearing the end of her rope. "Non! Eet's a lie!" she declared with an angry glint in her eye. "Eet's all a lie! I refuse to beleeve Phileep ees all zose theengs vous say about heem!" "I'm sorry if the truth offends ya, Frenchie," Candy said quietly - and for the first time, seriously. "But he really isn't who you think he is on the inside." The vixen paused, sat back in her chair, and sighed. "Look... God knows I'm no angel. But honey, I know a good man when I see one, and Philip Skunk ain't one. He's good for about two dates, then he's either up your skirt or looking for someone else by the third date." Fifi had had enough. "Ca suffit!" she snorted as she stood up. "I'm, how you say? Out of here! I know Phileep, et I won't hear of vous sayeeng bad theengs about him!" With that, Fifi grabbed her books and stormed off before a surprised Shirley or Babs could say another word. Once Fifi was out of sight, Babs and Shirley slowly turned back to each other and shrugged; neither of them expected this reaction! Candy, equally taken off guard, quipped: "Well! That went well..." As Shirley and Babs walked out of the Looniversity library, it was clear that there would be no clear consensus as to Philip's character. "So, like, what do you think now, Babs?" Shirley asked. "I think Candy Vixen is a liar as well as a slut," replied Babs coldly. The pair paused when they reached the bottom of the front steps. "Like, what do mean, Babs?" Shirley asked, surprised. "I mean she's full of crud!" said Babs. "Shirley, if you wanted to discredit Philip's character, you might first want to try to find someone with credibility! Harriet was at that Eata Bitta Pi party, and she said Candy Vixen was *not* there. She said she was there almost the whole time. She said she saw Philip there, and yes, he was talking to a few girls, but at one point he left - alone - and he never came back." Shirley didn't look altogether convinced. "Like, are you sure Harriet didn't have Philip mixed up with someone else, or some junk?" she asked. "Absolutely!" said Babs. "In fact, she said she overheard someone there ask where Philip was going to after he left! Shirley, Harriet knows what she saw." After a pause Babs asked, "So now what?" "Like, I dunno," Shirley replied. "I'll have to, like, meditate on our next move, or some junk." "Well, I'm inclined to give up." "Give up?!" asked Shirley. "Has it ever occurred to you that we may be pushing Fifi closer to Philip by trying to keep them apart?" suggested Babs. "I originally went in with you on this thing because he was from Perfecto and he had his eyes set on Fifi. But in spite of my spy network, all my digging around, everything I can think of, he comes out clean. Maybe it's time to leave them alone." "No," said Shirley stubbornly as she looked off into the distance. "I have, like, no doubt that Philip will do her harm. Hamton is the best person for her, and I'm totally not giving up on my work to get them together, or some junk." "Your work," said Babs. "Don't tell me you've actually been helping Hamton compete against Philip..." "Well..." said Shirley sheepishly. "I'm still getting, like, mondo negatory vibes about him and junk, and I'm only thinking of her..." The loon wrung her hands in embarrassment as the aspect of her plans that she intended to keep secret was starting to come to light. "Aw, geeze..." uttered Babs as she rolled her eyes. "SO!" yelled an angry voice from around the hedges. Without warning, Fifi emerged from where she was sitting - and listening - completely concealed by the high bushes that grew on both sides of the library steps. "That ees eet, isn't eet?!! Vous STILL won't leeve him alone, will vous?!" she fumed, her face red and her skunk's scent present. "SPY network?!! Diggeeng dirt?!!" Shirley and Babs were stunned, surprised by Fifi's sudden appearance and by her fury. "B-But, Fifi, we were, like, only trying to help you!" pleaded Shirley. "Non!" the enraged skunkette spat. "I've had enough!! To theenk that mon deux best friends would conspiair against moi like that! Well, I don't need friends like vous! I know what I'm doeeng! I don't need your help! Get eet?! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!! Our friendsheeps are now OVAIR!!" Fifi then stalked off, leaving Babs and Shirley hurt and confused. "Fifi, wait..!" Babs tried. When she was 10 feet away, Fifi suddenly turned around. "Oh, and anozair theeng," she said, a decidedly mocking tone to her voice. "Phileep and I have a date tonight. I *was* goeeng to ask you to come ovair and help me get readee, but now, how you say? *Forget eet*!!" Shirley made an attempt to go after her friend but Babs put a hand out to stop her. "No, let her go," she said with a lump in her throat. Fifi's radio played cheerfully as she made herself ready for her date. As she listened to the words of The Cure's "Just Like Heaven," she thought about how very apropos they actually were. She *was* spinning on that dizzy edge between anticipation and happiness, and her spirits had only risen as the afternoon neared evening. Fifi went to her closet door and opened it. Deciding to forgo her usual furclothes, the lavender skunkette clicked through a number of outfits before bringing out one from the very back of her closet - the pretty crimson-colored dress that her aunt sent to her from Paris and that she only wore for very special occasions. The dress itself was a splendid example of European design. The sleeveless, backless velvet top glowed softly in the light, leading to a delicate taffeta skirt that never reached the knees. The daringly-low neckline curved into shiny red buttons that plunged from collar to waist. Removing it from the hanger, Fifi held the garment against her, and studied herself in her full-length mirror. "Vous said vous have a surprise for Fifi," she said out loud to herself. "But Fifi has a surprise for *vous*, no..?" In spite of Fifi's less-than-perfect dating record, one thing that never lacked was her innate ability to dress to kill. At that moment, the telephone rang. Going over to it, the Caller I.D. window identified the caller as Shirley. _Hmph!_ she thought, _The answering machine can take care of *her*!_ Fifi laid the dress out on her bed, and just before she undressed for her shower, she noticed Hamton's note from earlier in the day. Going over to her makeup stand, she picked the note up and read it. She smiled, kissed it, and held it close to her heart before returning it to the stand. Hamton was sweet, she thought, looking over the flowers Philip gave her, but Philip is sweet, too, *and* charming *and* devastatingly-handsome *and* athletic *and* all those other qualities she always dreamed of in a man. Hamton was most definitely dropping out of the race. Glancing at her clock, she suddenly noticed time was running short; it was nearly 6:30! Ten-thirty found Fifi and Philip walking hand-in-hand up to Philip's front door. "Oh, what a beautiful night," Philip remarked. "Cold, but beautiful. Almost as beautiful," he said, looking into Fifi's onyx-colored eyes, "as you." Fifi smiled, blushed and sighed. As Philip put his house key into the lock she breathed, "Le sigh! Thank vous for zee dinnair and movee, Phileep. They were *tres* romantic!" Philip unlocked the door and opened it. "No, thank *you*, Fifi," he smiled. "You've already made my evening, just by being here, and coloring my life. Care to come in for a bit? Maybe a hot chocolate or two? We won't be bothered with my family. They won't be back until late. I could turn on our gas logs." Fifi giggled. "Oui..." After the drinks were prepared, Philip proceeded to show Fifi around his house. It was a clean, cozy but spacious split-level home, filled with the usual furnishings of upper-middle-class living. Philip's "tour" ended in his bedroom. As Fifi saw, there wasn't anything especially remarkable about the room. If anything, the room noted for its being clean and tidy. Two heavy walnut dressers and a JVC stereo system filled one wall, while against the opposite wall Philip's bed and computer station were placed. Between the two, an antique desk and lamp sat under a window. "So this is it," Philip said, setting his mug of chocolate on a dresser. "My inner sanctum. Nothing much, but I'm comfortable in it." "Tres cool!" gushed Fifi, looking around. Noticing a model of a sailing ship inside a clear plastic case she marveled, "Zis is *magnifique*! Did vous build zis!? Philip grinned as he quietly closed the door. "Yeah, the _Constitution_. You'll never *believe* how much trouble to was to put all that rigging on! At one point I almost gave up on it." "Eet's beauteeful!" Philip proceeded to his stereo and turned it on. As he did so Fifi asked, "Vous said vous had a surprise for moi, no? Where ees eet, cheri?" Philip took both of Fifi's hands into his. Looking deep into her eyes he said quietly, "I was going to save this until a little later on, but I suppose now is as good a time as any..." For a split second, Fifi expected words. Instead, Philip expressed himself with actions; he moved in gently and kissed her slowly and softly on the lips. As Fifi felt their lips close together, she felt a wave of emotion wash over her, and she found that it was a feeling she greatly welcomed. As they pulled out of their kiss, their eyes became locked. "Was that my surprise?" Fifi asked, her voice barely audible. "Part of it," came the whispered reply. As they came together again, their hands separated, and their arms became wrapped around each other. They kissed again, sweeter, longer, more passionately than before. Fifi's heart began to race, and she felt the temperature of the room change. Very soon, it became clear to her that the only thing that mattered right then was Philip, and the world outside of his room simply didn't exist. Pulling out of their kiss at last, they smiled at each other, as if they came to the joyful realization that they were meant to be like this. Philip broke them out of their embrace, and led Fifi by the hand to the edge of his bed. "I've been waiting a long time for this," Philip whispered as they embraced again. "Oh, mon sweet cheri," Fifi murmered as she felt her face being brought close to Philip's. His body felt warm, and hers thrilled in being held so tightly against it. As they kissed, harder and more passionately than before, Fifi's mind began to reel. Her heart was near bursting, and the initial wave of emotion that washed over her had reached its height as she stood there in his arms. As they embraced tighter, Fifi suddenly became aware of a new sensation - that of her top button coming undone. Whether by accident or design, she wasn't fully sure - her mind was still rendered dull - but when Philip reached for the second button on her dress, there was no mistake - something seemed strangely odd. Fifi's tidal wave of emotion ebbed, and she pulled back from their kiss. "Cheri..?" she muttered. "Shhhh.. Words aren't necessary," Philip hushed. He looked deep into her eyes and smiled. There was almost a spellbinding quality about his voice and his eyes that Fifi felt powerless to resist. "I love you, Fifi. We're meant to be here like this..." Fifi watched as the button was undone. All of a sudden, she didn't feel right. "Wait, cheri..." Fifi managed as she broke their embrace. "I-I'm soree, Phileep... I theenk... Let's slow down..." Philip seemed a bit confused. "What do you mean?" he asked, chuckling a little. "Phileep, cheri..." Fifi smiled nervously as she re-buttoned her dress. "Zis ees so fast for Fifi! Let us, how you say? Slow theengs down, mon skunk hunk d' passion. I'm soree..." Then things began to change. As Fifi noticed, Philip's whole demeanor seemed to morph; the kind, loving expression that he always had on his face now twisted into that of annoyance and irritation. His eyes, too, changed. No longer had they burned bright with the happiness of being near her. Now, they became cold and distant. "Slow things down? What's wrong? I thought we have something here..." Philip said, his words already coated with an icy patina. Fifi didn't like what was occurring. For the first time ever, she found herself on the defensive. At first she thought the sudden loss of romance was her fault, as if the warning signals that were starting to sound in her head were needlessly wailing away. But just as every woman must trust her intuition with a man, Fifi had to follow hers. She tried desperately to save the moment: "W-We do, cheri! Ee-eet's just zat... I'm not comfortable with goeeng zis far! Let us, how you say? Get to know each ozair bettair..." Philip turned away and looked out of his window. For a moment he was silent, as if he were gathering his thoughts. Then, turning he said, "I've waited for this for so long and now you're going to leave me cold?" "I-I'm soree..." Fifi replied quietly, her voice cracked. Hurt and disappointment started to fill the pretty skunkette, and she felt her world silently start to crumble. "Yeah, I'm sorry, too," Philip snapped. "I've waited for you longer than I've waited for any other girl. I've waited for this moment longer than I've waited for any other girl. Probably later than I should've. Why? Because I thought you were different, Fifi! I thought I finally found a girl who was different from the rest! A girl who liked to have fun and was serious about her intentions. But no, you're just the same!! You lead me on, then when I try to get close to you, you push me away. Well, *thanks*! Thanks for being nothing more than a slut and a tease!!" In pain and now anger, Fifi slapped Philip across his cheek before she even knew what she was doing. Philip recoiled, then responded by crossing his arms and turning toward the window. There was nothing more to say. "Take me home, Phileep." "No," the skunk said curtly, still looking out the window. "You don't live far away. You can walk, babe!" Philip's final words shattered poor Fifi's heart. She might have started to bawl right then and there, but her stubborn French pride was strong, and she was determined not to let him see her cry. Going to the bedroom door, she opened it and turned one last time. "Phileep..." she tried. But whatever final thoughts she had, they all died before she could say them. "Au revoir..." she said softly, and left. As Fifi walked along the deserted streets, she left a long line of tears behind her. February was unusually cold for Acme Acres - cold enough to fog one's breath - but even as she shivered in her pretty red dress, Fifi never noticed it. She was too heartbroken to care. Questions flooded her mind. Why did this have to happen? At what point did things go so wrong? At what point did *she* go wrong? Why didn't she see the signs? After all, she was amply warned. Why was she always so stupid and naïve? Why did she always have to come out the loser? "Vive l'amour!" was always her battle cry. Look how far it's gotten her... "Oh, Fifi," she wept out loud to herself, "Shirlee was right! She was right all along! Candee Vixain was right! Why didn't vous listen to them?! Why?! Now you 'ave no skunk hunk! Now vous 'ave no best friends! Now vous 'ave no one left..." As a fresh set of tears rolled down Fifi's cheeks, a vast emptiness opened up inside her. This night - which had seemed so full of promise - had ended like so many nights before it - in failure. By now it was almost a companion, unwanted as it was. Now she felt all alone, forlorn and in pain. Out of the harsh, sterile glare of the sodium vapor streetlights, a car approached. But Fifi was so consumed in her sorrow that she didn't even notice it until it stopped right beside her. "Fifi?" a voice called out. Startled, the skunkette jumped until she recognized the car. It was Hamton's parents' station wagon, and Hamton was behind the wheel. "Fifi? Gosh! What are you doing walking along here? Can I give you a ride?" he said through an open window. Fifi had a blank look on her face, but it quickly came to coherence. "Hamtone? Ees zat vous?" "Well, sure! Can I give you a ride?" Fifi sighed, then opened the door and got in. "Oh! Excuse this," Hamton said as he brought a brown paper bag closer to himself. "My mom suddenly realized that we had no milk for breakfast tomorrow, so my folks asked if I could run down to the store and get some more. Are we all buckled in and ready?" Fifi reached for her seat belt and fastened it. "Oui," she said softly. "Okay, then. Here we go," announced Hamton as he pulled out into the street. He could see that Fifi had been crying, but was hesitant to ask why. Then he remembered - she had a date with Philip Skunk. However, the look on her face told him that she needed a friend. He approached the subject on tenterhooks: "I-it's about Philip isn't it? Is he the reason you're out here like this?" Fifi merely nodded. "Well, I don't want to talk about it if you don't want to," Hamton said. "I just want to get you home." A few moments later, however, Fifi found her words. "Eet happened," she said quietly as her eyes began to water. "Eet all happened, just as Shirlee said eet would... When I deedn't want to go as far as he wanted, he, how you say? Booted me out..." "Did he hurt you?" asked Hamton, worried. "Non," Fifi replied. Hamton breathed an audible sigh of relief. "But oh, Hamtone," Fifi sniffed, "I told Babs and Shirlee zat we are no longair friends. Now I feel like I have no one left! I feel like you're zee only close friend I have left now! Boo le hoo! Fifi will nevair find her skunk hunk..!" As Fifi began to quietly sob again, Hamton felt a tug at his own heart. "Uh, there're some Kleenexes in the glove compartment," he offered. "Merci," said Fifi as she opened the glove compartment door. "Um, that's not exactly true, what you were saying about Babs and Shirley," Hamton said as Fifi blew her nose into a tissue. "I talked to Shirley this afternoon. She said she and Babs were both very concerned about you, what with this date tonight. She didn't *sound* like she was mad or anything about you. As far as I could tell, they're still very much your friends. Buster and Plucky and them are still your friends... And me, well... Gosh, I'll *always* be your friend, Fifi, and I'll *always* be there for you." Hamton's words stabilized and comforted Fifi, and even brought a slight smile to her lips. "Oh, Hamtone... Merci beaucoup, mon sweet cheri..." Hamton smiled, too. "Of course." After a pause Fifi asked, "Zee ozairs are at zee Wienie Burgairs, no? Why didn't vous go?" "Well," Hamton said quietly, "after you said you were going to the dance with Philip I didn't feel like going out. So I thought I'd just stay home and clean instead..." Hamton's words were innocuous enough, but in their own subtle way, they still had a definite sting about them. "Oh, Hamtone, I'm so soree, cheri. I nevair should have agreed to zee dance wiz Phileep... I realize zat now..." Another pause followed, but it wasn't necessarily an uncomfortable one. Both driver and passenger settled comfortably into their seats and listened to the radio. "That's strange about Philip," Hamton said at last. "He seemed like such a nice guy. I can't believe he'd be so mean with you." Fifi nodded. "Well, he doesn't know what he's missing. Gosh, I'd say he was a total fool to throw you away, Fifi! Any guy would! If that's the way he treated you, then he doesn't deserve you, anyway." Fifi smiled. "Oh, Hamtone, vous always were tres sweet to moi. I always felt safe et secure when I was with vous." As Fifi listened to the radio, she recognized the song playing as Depeche Mode's "Only When I Lose Myself." And as she listened to the words, she suddenly realized how much she could relate to them: "...I can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear There's a feeling of contentment now that you are here I feel satisfied I belong inside Your velvet heaven..." It seemed wrong to Fifi how she could feel anything but safety and security when she was with Hamton. Unlike Philip, she had known Hamton for years. By now, she all but knew him intimately. Had he ever been mean to her? Had he ever shown her any unkindness? Except for the occasional dance, they'd had a multitude of dates over time, although neither would actually count them officially as such. Had he ever been anything but fun, caring, generous, and a perfect gentleman? The answer to all those questions, of course, was a resounding no. Also unlike Philip, Hamton's character had always been unchallenged. "...Something beautiful is happening inside for me Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery I feel hypnotized I feel paralyzed I have found Heaven..." "I would never treat you like that," Hamton said. "Gosh, how could I? You'd mean too much to me." As Hamton spoke, he was amazed at how easily the words came. He didn't know if it was the darkness... the lateness of the hour... the absence of peer pressure... or simply the fact that he had nothing left to lose, but he was able to speak freely now, without cue cards, without notes, and without prompts from Shirley. This was straight from the heart. "I'd give *anything* to be in Philip's place," he sighed. "I mean, I know I don't have his looks. I know I'm not an athlete. I know I don't have his way with girls. I know I don't have much to offer a girl, but, gee... I know how to treat her right." "...Did I need to sell my soul for pleasure like this, Did I have to lose control to treasure your kiss, Did I need to place my heart in the palm of your hand Before I could even start to understand..." Fifi sighed. "Oui... Zat vous do," she said. "Oh, Hamtone, vous have always been mon special friend, and I 'ave always treasured our times togethair." Suddenly, it hit her. She *had* always treasured their times together. So why go anywhere else? Why *did* she let Philip beat Hamton to her affections? Perhaps it was because she led herself into believing that Philip Skunk - the incarnation of all those qualities she wanted in a guy - was truly the person she wanted to be with. Both Hamton and Philip were sweet, generous people. But whereas Philip was the handsome, athletic, popular one, only Hamton was superior in those qualities that truly mattered most to her. "...It's only when I lose myself in someone else That I find myself I find myself. It's only when I lose myself in someone else That I find myself I find myself..." What was wrong with second best? All that glitters is certainly not gold, Fifi determined, and this time, she wasn't going to make the same mistake again. The lavender skunkette knew - this time - just what to do. "Hamtone," she cooed. Fifi's sudden change in tone caused him to do a double take. "Uh, yes?" "What are vous doeeng for zee Valentine's Day dance..?" END February 3, 2000