A TROOP By Zachary A. Zulkowski(zzul518@.idt.net) Episode 1: A Fist full of Toons. Intro:(sung) The end of the ratings war was near and quite accedently our hero was late for an important date and was therefore cast in this Par...ody A smile and a handshake he did win His proud little family group It was all a put on, contracts were drawn And soon it was planned he command "A Troop" Where indian fights are a colorful sight and sidekicks always takes alickin' and when the networks try to rewrite the show the lawyers always come akickin'. And then you could always relax in town I'm sure there's room with a bang and a boom in our "A Troop!" Cast: Captain Buster Rabbiter: Buster Bunny Sergeant Plucky O'Duck: Plucky Ducky Corporal Hamton Pigiron: Hamton Pig Wrangler Babs: Babs Bunny Sheriff: Shirley The Loon Chief Talking Bull: Montana Max Running Gag: Elmyra Duff Our story opens in Fort Comedy, just outside the sleepy town of Ford City, in the heart of Kansas. A young blue-furred bunny wearing a Cavalry uniform is in his quarters packing bags. A pig in a Corporal's uniform spies on him through the window and then hurries on back across the compound to another building, upon entering: he tells the only person there, a green duck in a similar uniform, what he saw. "Oh! I don't believe it!" Sergeant O'Duck says. "He's finally going." He goes over and checks the calendar, it sports a picture of a scantilly-clad duck. "You know, I thought he never leave!" He said. "It's only for a couple of weeks." Corporal Pigiron replies. "Yes, and this will be a great time for O'Duck Enterprises." O'Duck says. "We will be free to do what we want, without him watching us like a hawk...er...bunny." "Captain Rabbiter? He never notices anything!" "Well, he was starting to. That's way I suggested that he'd go the symposium in Frisco." "I know: 'The Symposium for Inept Authority Figures'". Hamton said, while motioning his hands like indicating the words on a large invisible sign. "Who's the main speaker?" Hamton asked. "Colonel Klink". "He'll have fun." The next moring he was carring his bags to the train station at the other end of town, Wrangler Babs noticed him and started to walk along side. She was wearing what she usually wears, except that in addition to her yellow blouse and blue skirt was a brown cowboy hat and a rawhide vest. "I can't believe you're going for three whole weeks!" "Believe it." Captain Rabbiter replied. "Why?" "I need retraining." He continued. "Last week, I noticed the men were having an illegal crap game in back of the mess hall. This can't be right! I supposed to be inperceptive!" "Maybe a new contract?" "No!" he said, with a certain finality. "That's the way it has to be." They finally got to the station and found O'Duck and Pigiron waiting by the platform, they were respectfully saluting. "Isn't that cute? They're almost treating me with respect!" He shook his head. "See what I mean? Now where's that train!" As if on cue the train immediately screeched to a dead stop in front of the platform. Out popped a cute little female bunny in a conductor's uniform. "All aboard for the Frisco Express!" She said, musically, while scratching the underside of Buster's chin. "I'm going to love this symposium!" Buster said, causing Wrangler Babs to do a slow burn. He got aboard the train and as the train was pulling away, he stuck is head out the window. "O'Duck, you're have the comm!" His next words were drowned out but it sounded kind of like: "Hold down the fort!" "You know...maybe there's hope for him after all." Wrangler Babs admitted. The train got a few feet down the track, popped a wheelie, and zipped off into the horizon was fast as lightning. * * * Sometime later, in downtown Ford City, the town's newly appointed Sheriff walked in the telegraph office to get the morning bulletins. In addition to her red pull-over sweater, she wore a white rawhide vest, (with star), and a smallish white cowboy had perched on top of a mountain of blonde hair. A few minutes later, she comes out; sucking a lollipop and carring a large envelope tucked under one arm. She then walks back towards her office. Later... Rrringggg! A young, pudgy female human wearing buckskins, cheap costume jewelry, and some feathers sticking in the hamster skull that adorns her hair answers the phone. "Acme Indian Nation...." She answers. She listens for a moment and then presses a button on the console. "Oh Chiefy-whiefy, you have a call on line two." She listens for a moment, then: "Okay, hold on." She transfers the call and goes about her business: operating a mouse placed next to a small laptop computer. She looks up: "Anachronistic humor...gotta love it!" The Chief of Acme Indians activates the speaker-phone. "Talking Bull, shoot!" "Hey TB, I didn't catch you at anything did I?" Sargent O'Duck said form Captain Rabbiter's office, he had the phone at his ear and was leaning back in his chair, feet placed on the desk. "Everything's going to plan." He continues, "I'll be able to divert the shipment of guns and whiskey immediately! You'll be able to bring your stuff here without any problems. Trust me, he's gone...for at least a couple of months! Would I lie to you?" He listens for a moment... "Okay, besides that! Don't worry about it! We'll be rich! Catch you later big guy, have your service call my service!" And with that, he hangs up the phone. He looks up at both Hamton and Babs, who were standing across from the desk. "I'm confused!" Hamton said. "What was the plan again?" "Simplicity itself..." He said. "We trade the guns and whiskey for the indian souvineers; then sell the souvineers back in Jersey City for a nice profit..." "Where you buy more guns and whiskey." Wrangler Babs finished. "Yeah, yeah, yeah! How do you know that this stuff is going to sell?" "Look!" Plucky said, throwing over a tomahawk. Babs catches it and reads the words on the shaft. MADE IN JAPAN "All the souvineers have that." Plucky said. "The customers love it! We pass the real stuff off as fairly accurate copies. They think they're getting a bargain!" "And you pocket any excess money!" H˙amton said. "See how it works out?" "What's going to keep me from telling Buster when he gets back?" Babs asked. "Then you won't get your ten percent, like you always do." "Twenty percent." Babs retorted. "Huh?" "Twenty percent, or I start writing letters." "That's twice what you usually get!" "Well if it's such a big shipment, you can afford it!" "No way in this or any other episode!" "I think I feel the need to write a love letter coming on." "Oh!...Allright, you little pink blood-sucker!' Plucky retorted, finishing the exchange. "But the Captain better not hear a word of this or I'll..." "Sticks and stones...." "Ahhhh!" Plucky said, as Wrangler Babs left the room. "I still don't know..." Corporal Pigiron said. "Can we trust the Acmes with all those guns? What if they try to attack us?" "Not with those guns, they're about as accurate as an H & R Block audit." Later... We see two figures out in the prairie a few miles from town. One is a black furred non-discript wearing tan trousers, a black vest, hat and bandana. Around his waist is a holster with two over-sized six shooters. His partner, equally non-discript is wearing a bowler, a tweed jacket and monocle in his eye. He is carring a large repeating rifle, (the kind Chuck Connors used in "The Rifleman"). The taller one..."Two-Guns" just emptied his guns in the direction of some tin cans. He tries to blow out the smoke from the barrels, (which seem to be smoking quite heavily), gives up; then places the still smoking guns in his holster. "Faboo!" The other one, "One Gun", said; reading a stop watch.. "That was pretty good! You emptied your guns in under two minutes!" "Fastest guns east of the Deleware!" Two-Guns retorted. "Too bad you didn't hit anything!" One Gun said. "I said 'fast', not 'accurate'!" (Drum rift...cymbol crash!) The two of them looked around for the source of the sound. "And considering the fact we're WEST of the Deleware..." A third person: "The Cute One", unseen behind some rocks, retorted. "Geography has nothing to do with it!" Two-Guns said. "I can't believe we're gunning for that Sheriff!" One Gun said, cocking his rifle. In the background, you can hear the opening theme for "The Rifleman". "Believe it sib! He's going to pay for locking us in that tower for thirty years! All alone, in a large round room; with only a television that played reruns of Tiny Toons Adventures for company! Oh, the agony!" Two-Guns started to sob, behind him somebody was playing a violin. "Makes me want to plug him just thinking about it!" One Gun said. "Hey! What if it's not the same guy? It's been thirty years." "Then we blast any tin star we find!" Two-Guns said, "and then run like heck to Mexico." "Faboo! We could retire in Mexico!" "You know something?" Two-Guns asked. "What?" "It's amazing, this far into the episode, and nobody said the word 'kill' yet." "It's those Network censors." "Come and get it!" The Cute One yelled, coming out from behind the rocks. She was wearing an off-white knee-length dress with pink laces and little blue belt tied in the back into a little bow. She wore a little Dutch-Girl hood and small Granny-glasses pirched on her nose. "It's a 'cute' thing..." She was banging a very large triangle with a hammer. "Come and get it! Or we'll throw it out!" "Ah! Life without choices!" Two-Guns said, as he and the other approached. She motions them over to a table. It was a round restaurant table covered with a white tablecloth, on it was a large metal cover next to a candelabara. Cute One lifts off the cover while a violinist starts playing. "There! Broiled rattlesnake, garnished with scorpions!" "In the prairie?" One Gun asked. "It's imported." "Oooh! Yummy!" He said, lying through his teeth and trying to fight a wave of nausea. "Ah....what was that second option again?" * * * Meanwhile, back at Fort Comedy... Plucky O'Duck was working at a laptop. He was playing with a spreadsheet program, trying to maximize the profits from this particular venture. He looks up: "Anachronistic humor, gotta love it." Corporal Pigiron runs into the office, he is excited, out of breath. "Sarge! Something terrible has happened!" "We merged with Disney..." He said, without looking up. "I said 'terrible', not 'catastrophic'!" Hamton replied., "The Watertower Gang, has broken confinement! Word has it that they should be in by Noon tomorrow! When they get here, they're going to kil...er plug the Sheriff!" "Almost lost our record there." O'Duck said, offhandedly. "Now calm down, son!" O'Duck continued, "you're not making any sense. Start from the begining." "First, the Earth cooled...." (Drum rift...cymbol crash!) Plucky leaned over the table and slapped Hamton. "The old Sheriff locked them up thirty years ago, after they tried to steal a bank." "You mean, 'rob' a bank," Plucky offered. "No! I meant 'steal' a bank, they were taking the whole building with them!" Plucky winced. *This is going to be a LONG episode.* He thought. "Go on..." "He hunted them down for several weeks, it took his possie and the entire Texas Rangers to bring them in!" "The Texas Rangers?" "Well, they did the best they could considering they were a baseball team." Plucky thought for a moment. "Well, there shouldn't be a problem. He fought them before." "Not the same Sheriff! It was her predecessor: 'Quckdrawl'!" "What happened to him?" "He went on to greener pastures." The duck and the pig waited for a few seconds; they listened for something, their eyes darted side to side... Nothing happened. Both of them shrugged. "What does this have to do with me?" Plucky asked. "I'm not getting involved in some two-bit subplot!. He thought for a moment, about what was said earlier.... "What do you mean...'her'? "Didn't you know? Shirley's the Sheriff!" Sergeant O'Duck sat there staring at Hamton for a couple of seconds. "ACK!" Plucky snorted, eyes bulging out, jaw dropping to the ground. "It was in all the papers...." Hamton said. "The Governor was at the ceremony and everything." Hamton looked at the Sargent for a moment. His "wild take" still hasn't changed. "Sarge...I thought you knew." Sergeant O'Duck retrieved a small crank from a desk drawer, he stuck it into the side of his head; and then cranked rapidly to bring his head back into shape. "That was a long time ago!" "Day before yesterday." "Who keeps track of goes on, in that tacky Silverado wanna-be!" "We do, since we are suppossed to protect it!" "Yeah, yeah, don't remind me." "And if the Watertower Gang destroys the town, we'll have nothing to protect. We'll be disbanded!" "Eeewwww!" Plucky winced. That means we'll actually have to get REAL jobs!" Plucky winced at the thought. "Okay, you win, ole porcine sidekick." O'Duck relinglished. "I'll go into town and talk to the 'Sheriff'" He extended four fingers into the air as 'quotation marks'. "Who knows, she might have the situation well in hand. You go to the Acmes and keep an eye on them. Take Babs with you, you might need the backup." "Babs!" Hamton cried. "Gee Sarge, she's a girl!" "Good, you passed basic identification. Now we'll move on to Photo Interpretation." "I can't take Babs into dangerous Indian country; the whining, the clinging...." Hamton started. "It's embarrassing!" "Yes, so you'll have to stop doing that around her; then you won't be so embarrassed!" He got up, and both him and Hamton went for the door. As the two of them were walking out he said: "You know...I don't know why everyone says you're so dumb!" As they left the fort, Hamton went on his way and Sargent O'Duck went into town. It wasn't a very large town: basically one street with two rows of buildings on each side. About a couple of hundred feet outside one end of town, was Fort Comedy; at the other end was the railroad station. By now it was midday and the main street was a hub of activity: streets were being cleaned, horses were being shoed, people were being thrown out of buildings, discussions of Eastern philosophy were taking place in back alleys, your basic generic Western activities. On the balcony above the entrance of the saloon: girls in various costumes were waving at the passerbys. They caught the Sergeant's eye and he politely waved back. "You know? I'm begining to understand the appeal of this parody." A young girl walks up to him, she's wearing the standard Western wear of skirt and blouse. On her hat is a large press pass. She takes out a large pad and pencil and bends over to talk to him. "Hi! I'm Mary Melody of the Ford Prefect! How do you feel about corruption in the military?" "It's terrible!" O'Duck replied. "I'm not getting my share!" There was a beat, and the girl storms off muttering to herself: "Man! I gotta stop doing these stupid cameos!" Sergeant O'Duck walked down the main street a little further and turned into the Sheriff's Office. Inside, he saw Sheriff Loon sitting crosslegged, hovering in mid-air. "Oh, what a loon I aaaam!" She chanted. It was her favorite mantra; she learned it as an MBA in Chicago. Her eyes were closed, obviously in a meditative state. "Oh, what a loon I aaaaam!" She repeated. Pluck came up quietly behind her and spoke in her ear: "And an excellent Sheriff you are." "And an excellent Sheriff I aaaam!" "And a fantastic dancer." "And a fantastic dancer I aaaammmmm!" "Not to mention, a pretty good-" "What do you want." She said, not opening her eyes. "You're taking this quite well, all things considered." "What are you taking about, 'lunchmeat'." "I thought you would at least be worried." Plucky replied. "With the Watertower Gang' at large and all." "And just who are the Watertower Gang?" "They broke jail....didn't you get a bulletin, or something?" "Like I have actually have time to read that! I had to re-decorate the office, buy a new wardrobe..." "Yes, I can see." He admitted and got a good look at the room for the first time: There was a crystal ball on a corner of the desk, a couple of tapestries hanging on the wall, some pink lacey curtains on the windows... *Oh yeah, real Western style.* "Would you mind if I look at the bulletin?" Plucky asked. "Like....whatever turns your crank." Plucky went to the desk and opened the envelope. He pulled out some sheets of paper and began reading them. "Grover Cleveland elected President of the United States..." He crumbled it up, tossed it aside. "Yeah, so what else is new." "Cleveland Indians beat Yankees 15 to 2 for second game of the World Series..." He looked at it a little better. "Intersting, but completely pointless." He tosses this one aside as well. "Ah, here it is." Plucky said, with the last dispatch is his hand. He walks over and hands it to the still floating Shirley, who begins reading it. "All points bullitin.....be on the lookout.....Watertower Gang...." She frowned. "Well, I guess I'm going to have to have a 'Wild West' type showdown with them, or some junk." "Gee Shirl....can you handle that?" "Duh! I AM the Sheriff!" She said, getting out her meditative state and standing on the floor. "I'm not just another pretty face!" A brilliant retort flashed into Plucky's mind. "Don't say anything." She said, holding one finger up. She moved back into the center of the room, and then proceeded to draw her guns. She then twirled then on her fingers, threw them up in the air, caught them; twirled them on her fingers again, then holstered them. "It took me twelve takes to do that." She said quietly. "How's your accuracy." Plucky asked. "Ewww! You mean...actually FIRE them? How gross! I might like...put somebody's eye out!" *Definitely going to be long episode!* He thought. "Come on." Sergeant O'Duck said, holding the door open. "I guess we're going to shoot some cans off of fences, or some junk." "No, we're going to ambush the Watertower Gang." Plucky replied. "We'll stake out the ridge, and drop anvils on them when they pass under." "What ridge?" "The ridge outside of town!" "There's a ridge outside of town?" "Every western town has a ridge nearby!" Plucky said. "It's...an artistic thing!" "In Kansas?!" "Okay, forget the ridge!" Plucky said, thinking quickly. "We'll wait for them behind some boulders and..." "No! No! No!" Shirley yelled. "I am not going to resort to ambushing, and backstabing! I swear, with attitudes like that, it a wonder we made it into the Nineteenth Century!" "Fine, I'll get Babs and Hamton..." He starts to walk off. "You will do nothing of the sort!" She retorted, grabbing him by the back of the collar. "I'll will meet them face to face like we're supposed to do in these westerns, and then give them a good talking too!" "How many Westerns have you watched lately?" "Well there was...." She began, counting on her fingers. She then shook her head to snap out of it. "What's that supposed to mean!" By this time, they were well out of the office and well up the street. Suddenly, a man was thrown out of the saloon and landed in front of them. He turned out to be Ace Ventura, wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt, blue jeans, and a cowboy hat. "Do nooooot, go in there!" He said, indicating the saloon with his thumb, and walked off. They saw two figures coming towards them on the sidewalk. One was a lavender skunk wearing a maroon frilly hoopskirt, the other one was, well...Buster Bunny in a suit, top hat, and obviously fake false nose, glasses, and moustache. "Like...isn't that the Mayor and 'Honkeytonk'?" Shirley indicated. "Howdy Mayor!, Howdy Honkeytonk!" Plucky said, getting the greeting returned from the Skunk and the Rabbit, respectively. "Sheriff Loon, I heard about ze Watertower Gang." Mayor Fifi offered. "They are dangerous criminals, no? I have ze upmoost confidence in you. I'm are sure you show them what for!" "Well thank you Ma'am...but-" "She has the situation well in hand, Madame Mayor." Plucky said. "Perhaps you may discuss stratigeez with us over drinks, no?" "Great idea, a sugar coma would be good right now!" Plucky said, reacting a bit from a jab from Shirley's elbow. "Uh oh!" Shirley said, noticing a configuration of black smoke coming up from the ridge outside of town. "You have ze s-mail, no?" Mayor Fifi offered. Sargent O'Duck started to read the smoke signals: TO: sarrgeant.oduck@ft.comedy.usarmy.mil FROM: talkingbull@acme.indian.nation.gov.ac SUBJECT: Watertower Gang You are needed at Acme Nation. Urgent business regarding W.G. Must talk to you ftf. Big trouble. Chief Come visit our website at: acme.indian.nat- That was as far as the message got before the smoke stopped rising. *Proably some sort of accidental log-off* Plucky thought. At the place the smoke signals were originating from, two of the Indians desperately try to replace the log that accedently rolled off the fire. "Yes, it's for me." Sergeant O'Duck responded. "Looks like I'm going to have to take a raincheck on those sodas." He then turned to Shirley and looked into her face: those soft, pretty eyes, her snowy-white feathers; her golden blond hair that rolled off her shoulders like a landslide of sunlight. "Now you be sure to blow their brains out then they come, hmm?" * * * Later... Sergeant O'Duck was at the Acme Indian Nation, a small collection of Tee-pees, Wigwams, Longhuts, two-level Cape Cods; and a couple of small high-rises in the background. Hamton was sitting at a small table while an Acme Indian girl was showing him a menu. Wrangler Babs as at another table playing chess with a bald, skinny warrior wearing glasses. "Ugh! Watertower Gang, bad medicine." Chief Talking Bull started to say. He was a pudgy young man wearing buckskin trousers, vest, and a large feathery headdress. "Many moons ago, they came with thunder-sticks; tried to rob iron horse, were chased for many sunrises..." "Why are you taking like that?" Sargent O'Duck asked. "Ah, don't worry about it." Chief Talking Bull said, waving him off. "Something I practice for the tourists. Lets go inside, it's too noisy out here." Yes, it was noisy with all the construction going on, (They were building a new Convention Center); and Chief Talking Bull led Sargent O'Duck into his teepee. Inside, it was a large office, complete with carpeted floor, wood paneling; and a small aquarium along one wall. Running Gag came out form behind her as soon as they entered the room. She immediately grabbed Plucky and started to hug him. "Would little ducky-wucky like to play with mommy?" She cooed. "I'll hug you and squeeze you and..." She was hugging him with all her might, and Sergeant O'Duck could swear that some of his vertebraes were popping. "Ah, Running Gag..." Talking Bull started. "Put the fine officer down." "Okay." She said, and when she opened her arms, Plucky fell to the floor with a loud thud. "I'll make coffee." She offered. "Do that." The Chief indicated. "And while you're at it, pull the sales figures from the last three quarters. I'll need them for the stockholders meeting." "You want me to cross-index them with the industry standards?" She asked. "Sure, if you have the time." She then left to do her duties. "Success is totally overrated." Talking Bull commented. "Well I wouldn't know..." Pluck replied. Both of them then went into the inner office. It was decorated pretty much the same as the outer office, but a large wooden desk and pool table dominated the room. The Chief then took a pool cue from a nearby rack, and then gestured towards it. Plucky indicated 'no', and the Chief started to line up a shot. "What's this all about T.B?" "I can't conduct any business with the Watertower Gang at large. It's too risky." "We had a deal!" Plucky said. "That was before the...change in the 'economic athmosphere'." "Excuse me?" "They are trouble, pure and simple. They've only been at large for about a few days now, and already markets have collapsed; stock prices have dropped, and my creditors are breathing down my neck!" "But they're not after you, they're after Shirley!" "Can she handle them?" "Well, admittedly she's too much 'Gary Cooper' and not enough 'Clint Eastwood', but-" "All the more reason to panic." "There's no need to panic! The showdown will be the perfect distraction while the exchange is being made." Plucky said. "Who knows, it might just cover up our tracks from the one or two people who don't know what's going on." "There really might be that many?" Chief Talking Bull asked. "I don't know..." "I still don't like it." The Chief said, finally making his shot; it was the two ball hitting the seven ball and knocking the fifteen ball into a corner pocket. The Chief look very happy with that one. "Don't worry, T.B..." Plucky said, grabbing the Human by the shoulders and looking into his eyes. "I have a plan." Plucky left the teepee and was joined by Hamton and Wrangler Babs. They started walking off towards Ford City. "What'd you tell him?" Babs asked. "I told him I had a plan." "Do you?" Babs asked. "I'm working on it." The three of them walked a little further. "Why do we always have to walk all the time, anyway!" Hamton asked. "We're too small to ride horses." Babs answered. "Shetland Ponies..." Hamton started. "You think Warner Brothers is going to budget something like that?" Plucky retorted. "I guess that's the trouble with epics nowadays." Babs commented. "Oh, we're not going to start that dumb joke again, are we?" Plucky asked. * * * The next day.... Morning has broken, the cocks have crowed, and alarms have went off and the whole town was busily preparing for the arrival of The Watertower Gang. Along both sides of the streets, bleachers were being constructed and concession stands were being placed at strategic locations; some were even selling tee-shirts that read: THE WATERTOWER GANG GUNNED DOWN SHERIFF LOON AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TEE-SHIRT A banner was positioned at the railroad end of town: FORD CITY WELCOMES WATERTOWER GANG Inside her office, Shirley the Loon was making her own preparations: She combed her hair, shined her beak, placed some lipstick on around the edges, and finished it off with a brand new hat; (which she was adjusting in a mirror.) She then thought for a moment, snapped her fingers, and walked over to her desk. She then removed several bullets from the drawer and proceeded to load her gun, also placing several extra bullets in notches around her holster. She then rechecks herself in the mirror. Convinced she was now "dressed to kill" in more ways than one; she walks out the door and positions herself on the street, and waits... And waits.... And waits.... At the other end of the main street, almost out of nowhere, we can see three tiny figures: The Watertower Gang. They have finally arrived. And the clock on the City Hall building read: 1:30. "So, we're a little late." The Cute one said. The townspeople, upon seeing them, were begining to panic and take shelter in any nearby building: slamming doors and shutters, and even going to the point of walling themselves in; (although some have opted to take seats at the bleachers). Horses were begining to buck, and babies started to cry. There was even a flash of lightning and some thunder. The Watertower Gang started to cross the track, a train was bearing down on them but 'The Cute One' stopped it by holding up one hand. They walked a little further, then stopped to notice the banner stretched across the street, (along with the other preparations). "It seems...we were expected." Two-Guns said. "Faboo!" One Gun replied. "These people should get out more." The Cute One retorted. The Watertower Gang passed under the banner, and continued up the street. From the other end, Sheriff Loon started walking towards them. Wrangler Babs, noticing the two sides closing in, ran out into the street with her rifle, and started walking alongside Shirley; who gave her a little nod in acknowledgement. "Just one thing I want to ask." Shirley said. "What?" Babs asked. "Where did you get that nice outfit?!" Shirley asked, causing the both of them to stop in the middle of the street. "Oh...you like it? Babs said, indicating the outfit she was wearing all along. "I got it from this cute boutique near the railroad station." "Oh yes, it looks quite charming!" At this point, Mayor Fifi ran into the street to join the other two. "I was wondering where you got that!" She said. "Oh yes, it was on sale!" Babs said. "And that's a really nice dress!" "Iz pretty no?" Fifi replied. "I ordered it from Jersey City three months ago." The three of them then started giggling and whispering to each other. After a few minutes of this, Two-Guns walked a little ways towards them and started yelling. "Can we get on with this? I'm scheduled to be in a 'Gunsmoke' parody in a couple of hours!" "Oh, alright mister 'United States-Canada-Mexico-Panama'!" Wrangler Babs yelled back. She then mumbled something unlady-like under her breath. Then the girls gave Two-Guns an arrogant 'hmmt!", and both sides got back to their positions. Shirley stared at Fifi for a moment, and the Mayor reach down the front of her dress...and pulled out a tiny little Derrenger. "Good! We can sure use the extra firepower!" Babs said, sarcasticly. "It izz...a ladiez weapon!" Fifi responded. "And what do I look like? A Turnerized Buster Bunny?!" Babs then cocked the rifle she was carrying. She waits for a few seconds, then starts listening for something; her long ears swinging back and forth. Nothing happened. The three of them shrugged and continued walking down the street. On the sidewalk, a man with a guitar started to sing: Out in the cartoony town of Ford City Two sides met on this street doomed from the start. At one end, the Sheriff with an handfull of 'Good-guys'. At the other end, the 'Bad-guys' with hate in their hearts. While we look on- Unfortunately, he was forced to run off after the townspeople started to pelt him with garbage, and couldn't finish the song. The two sides started to close agiain. Closer.... Closer... The bell at the local schoolhouse was starting to ring: BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! (The audience shussed it.) bong! bong! bong! bong! The distance between the two sides was getting closer: Six hundred feet... A couple of tumbleweeds roll across the street. A few seconds later: a couple of more tumbleweeds roll across the street. Five hundred feet... Then a couple more rolled across. A few more minutes go by... Four hundred feet... Suddenly, hundreds of tumbleweeds are rolling across the street; being blown in every possible direction! They were everywhere, is was impossible to see anything, let alone walk. This lasted for several minutes. In the meantime, both sides were just standing there, some with their arms folded: waiting patiently for this old gag to stop. "DO YOU MIND!!!" The Cute One yelled, tapping her feet. Almost immediately, the tumbleweeds cleared the area. Then both sides got back into positions and continued the ritual. Three hundred feet... Two hundred feet... One hundred feet... Now it was time. Both sides had a clear line of fire, and both sides readied their weapons. Two-Guns unholstered his pistols, (which were still smoking from earlier), One Gun cocked his repeating rifle; (and once again the opening theme from "The Rifleman" was heard in the background), while 'The Cute One' reached behind her and pulled out... A dozen large throwing knives, six in each hand. "Well, 'cuteness' can only go so far." She said. Then... Then... There as a sound of bugles, and The Watertower Gang stopped dead in their tracks: eyes bulging out, mouths hanging open. "Faboo!" One Gun exclaimed, pointing to the other end of town. "I don't believe it sibs! The Cavalry's actually coming!" Two-Guns said. "Oh great! Another cliche heard from!" The Cute One said. And sure enough, hundreds of Cavalry officers, (riding real horses, no less), were riding across from the fort, bearing down towards them with bugles blaring, flags waving, etc. "Who says I'm dumb!" Hamton yelled, while riding alongside Plucky. "You know sibs, at times like these, I am reminded how being locked up in that tower all these years taught me the real meaning of family and togetherness!" Two-Guns said, while reaching his arms around the other two. He then shoved the two of them towards the Sheriff and her party and ran off towards some horses who were hitched to some posts. "Why that dirty, no good, #$###22!!!##@@!!&&$#@!! so and so!" The Cute One said, while she and her brother were being placed under arrest. "That was *my* cute little sister saying that!" Two-Guns said, gesturing towards the others. He then hopped unto the nearest horse, untied it, and rode off into into hills beyond the railroad tracks. A little baby mouse wearing a diaper walked out into the steet and started to cry: "Come back Two-Guns! Please...come back! Come back Two-Guns!" He would have continued this, but a falling safe landed on him. Meanwhile, back to the Cavalry.... "I don't believe it! It worked!" Plucky said, while he led his fellow officers on a merry chase after the dreaded Two-Guns. Latter... The Symposium was long over and Captain Rabbiter was getting off the train; Wrangler Babs, Plucky O'Duck, and Hamton Pigiron were lined up at the station to greet him. Behind them, up the street: The Cute One and One Gun were being led out of the Sheriff's office, (both wrapped head-to-toe in heavy chains), and loaded into the back of an armored War-Wagon. Two guards then slammed the door shut, welded it closed, locked it with three big padlocks; then wrapped the entire wagon with several yards of heavy chains, and finally, locking that up tight with heavy padlocks, (after welding the chains together). And once more, the opening theme to "The Rifleman", was heard in the background, and from inside the wagon you could hear: "Oh! Will you please put that silly thing away! "Buster! It's great to have you back!" Babs said, running up to give him warm hug, (after first pocketing a the huge wad of bills Sargent O'Duck passed to her from behind). "How was the convention?" "Very nice." Captain Rabbiter replied, "Anything happened while I was gone?" "Oh, you know how it is..." Babs replied. Inside Fort Comedy, some men were lighting the fuse on the cannon, it sputters and goes out; then the observation tower crashes to the ground. The men then knock the wheel of the cannon over, and it fires. "Same old, same old!" The End.