Ever wonder what'd happen if the characters from Tiny Toons lived as toons in a human world, and distinctly human situations arose? What'd it be like? Unfortunately, I don't have a clue. That is because I have no idea as to what the human world is actually like. But I decided to write this television script just the same. You'll want a brief description of the characters in the show "Bunnyfeld": Buster Bunnyfeld: A typical rabbit, who loves his job as a stand-up comic. His biggest problem, though, deals with the fact that he can never say anything, anywhere, without hearing a barrage of mindless laughter. He lives in Acme Apartments, with some of the wackiest neighbours, like... Dodo: A strange guy who lives across the hall from Buster. No one's really sure what his first name is, but there has been speculation that it may be "Gosmo". Then there's... Babselaine Bunny: But DON'T CALL HER THAT!!! To her friends, she's "Babs", and don't you forget it! Is there a romance type thingie going on between her and Buster? Both deny it, saying that they're "just friends." Sure they are! ;-) Plucky Coducksa: What can I say? He's short, quirky, and while he's not bald, he does work for a ball playing team: Acme Loo! He is also a real loser, but you prob'ly knew that already, right? Shirley MacLoon: Plucky's new age girlfriend. She now works as a television writer, and she'll be the first to point out that "The Facts of Life" was not her idea! She goes, like, totally into herself sometimes, and is massively cute! (steam rises from Hudson Duck's feather-head) Hamton: Lives in the same apartment as Buster and Dodo, but it hardly matters. He only appears whenever it enhances the comedy. So if you see him in this week's episode, expect something to happen to someone because of him. Hamton has a neatness fetish, but he still manages to live with... Dizzy: A generic weirdo. What more is there to tell? Fifi Lefume, Montana Max, Mr. steinLeghorn, and Rubella Rat: They show up this month too, so keep an eye out for 'em. THIS MONTH'S EPISODE: The Video Mix-up WRITTEN BY: Hudson Duck (hudson@nfld.com) (but maybe he shouldn't advertise that fact too much...) (OPENING: Buster is performing at the Acme Comedy Club as the show's theme begins...) BUSTER: So, what's the deal with toons who actually work real jobs? You ask 'em why they work, they say that they need the money. They need money?!? What for? I mean, all a toon has to do is imagine what he or she wants, reach up into that little thought balloon thing, and just take it, right? Or they just have to reach into a bag or their pocket or whatecver and take what it is that they want! Ever see Wakko doing that on his sitcom, "Animaniacs in the Family"? But, did you ever notice how stuff like money and jewels and stuff never seem to last for any longer than two seconds? A pie'll cream you real good, but you want money to pay for a bunch of carrots or something, forget about it! It's like, "Hey! these carrots look real good! I think I'll have some... whoops! Got no money, I'm gonna have to dream up my own carrots again! Sorry 'bout that!" Know what's great about being a toon? You never have to worry about throwing the world into economic chaos, either! (THEME ENDS.) (SCENE 1: DODO is trying to rent a video from "Max's Video Store", just down the street from "Acme Restaurant") MAX: Hey, Dodo, looks like you can't come here anymore... you still got a video that you haven't returned yet. I'm not too sure what one it is, 'cause it didn't have a label on it when you borrowed it... DODO: (holding "America's Funniest Toon Videos" in his ...um... appendage) But Dodo's GOTTA have this video! It ain't nowhere else in town, see? I gotta have it, see? Or else, I get crazy, see? And you don't wanna see that. MAX: Ah, knock off the bad impressions and get outta my store! There's a clause in this store against any kind of fun or smiling... that's why I keep all those "Bonkers" videos. DODO: Clause? How about (spins) SANTA CLAUSE!! Ho, ho, ho!!! What do you want this year, silly little boy? MAX: HUH? I don't get it! DODO: But you DO get it! What does he win, Rod? (In "The Prize is Priced" Game Show voice) A NEW CAR!!! (much applause) MAX: For ME?!? Wow!!! I just don't believe... DODO: What? You no believe? Then no present from Santa Clause! MAX: NO! I mean... DODO: Ah, so you're mean now, eh? No car for you! MAX: But I'm not mean! Really! (DODO splits into 11 other Dodos, they consult, and agree that he's a mean one, Mr. MAX... or was Max the dog in that story...?) DODO: Ah, here's your car! (Suddenly, a 1988 You-Never-Go appears) MAX: ARRRGGGHHH!!! Too much enjoyment going on in here!!! Get out, Dodo! You're banned! DODO: I'm banned?!? MAX: Yeah, you're banned! Now GET OUT!!! DODO: Sheesh! What a Grinch! (Transforms back into regular Dodo... whatever *that* is... and leaves.) (BABS, just totally by coincidence...aka a "plot convenience for Hudson Duck"... happens to leave from "Acme restaurant" and comes across forlorn DODO) BABS: Hiya, Dodo! What's the matter? Why the long face? DODO: (with predictable Long Face) I've been banned from the Video place! And I couldn't get to rent "America's Funniest Toon Videos"! HELLLPPP MEEEE.... HEELLLLPPP MEEEE... BABS: Alright, alright! Just stop with the awful impressions!!! I'll get a membership card, I'll rent the video for you, and I'll leave it up to you to get it back here on time, 'kay? DODO: Ahhhh, you're so sweet! BABS: I said stop it with the impressions! That was Bob Saggy, right? I knew it! (BABS goes into store to rent video, while DODO stays outside looking in through window...) (SCENE 2: BUSTER's apartment, the next day. BUSTER is watching the ball game on television - Acme vs. Perfecto.) TV ANNOUNCER: Up to bat now is Roderick Rat, from Perfecto prep. He's preparing for the pitch, and it's, its...!!! (At this point, PLUCKY rushes in, looking flustered, as always) PLUCKY: (Yelling with a Brooklyn accent) I CAN'T STAND IT, BUSTER!!!! (Cheers on television) BUSTER: Now look, Duck! I just missed that play! What can't you stand, the fact that Acme is losing, and it's your fault 'cause you traded Calamite for Furrball? PLUCKY: No, Buster! That ain't it! BUSTER: ...or was that Furrball for Calamite... who can tell 'em apart? PLUCKY: NO!!! BUSTER: Well, is it the fact that I keep my door unlocked so that anyone can just walk into my burrow? PLUCKY: No, Buster. BUSTER: How 'bout that incessant laughing you hear after every single sentence I say? Is that what you can't stand, Plucky? 'Cause it sure bugs me! PLUCKY: Will you knock that off? My trouble is with Shirley... you know, my new age girlfriend who works with ACME-TV? Well, she needs a new show idea, but she can't come up with one, and so she goes really deep into herself... sometimes she won't talk to me for DAYS!!! BUSTER: You sure she's "into herself" during those times, or is it just a bout of common sense we're talking about here? PLUCKY: Will you stop making jokes, Buster? This is serious! And I think I'm gonna have to move in with her soon, since Mom and Dad are gonna evict me again soon! She won't let me near her when she's meditating, 'cause I annoy her, Buster! Can you imagine that? Me annoying someone?!? I just can't imagine that! I mean, am I obnoxious, Buster? For real?!? It's like... BUSTER: Your parents are throwing you out? What did you do this time? PLUCKY: Something about her new potato salad needing the extra room around the house... see, she puts carrot bits in it now so it takes up more space... I dunno why she does that. I hate carrots!!! BUSTER: Hey! Don't knock the carrot!! PLUCKY: Sorry, Buster... but what am I gonna do? Shirley tells me that my aura is going dull!!! It's my aura we're talking about here, Buster!!! BUSTER: You don't even know what an aura is, so why're you so worried? PLUCKY: It's MY aura, so I can worry about it if I want to! BUSTER: Yeah, I guess so... tell me, Plucky, can you do this? (BUSTER imagines two large Carrot Sodas, takes them out of their thought balloon, and passes one to PLUCKY) PLUCKY: Yeah, but only when it's funny... So, what'm I gonna do, Buster? You're my pal! You GOTTA think of something!!! BUSTER: Why not just come up with a new show idea that Shirley will think is gonna work? PLUCKY: EXCELLENT IDEA! I'm a genious! (sips drink) Ugh! what *IS* this stuff? BUSTER: It's Carrot Soda... the best there is! You got a problem with that? (PLUCKY's pager goes off) PLUCKY: Uh, oh... no time to think up new show ideas yet... my boss, Mr. StienLeghorn, wants to speak with me immediately... guess it's about that Calamite/Furrball trade... or was it the other way around? Who can tell 'em apart? Gotta go again! Wow, I am a genious!!! (Leaves) BUSTER: I love to make people happy! (SCENE 3: Scene opens in HAMTON's apartment, so you know what that means - HAMTON's gonna do something that's gonna affect the outcome of this month's episode, so don't forget what happens in this scene, no matter how trivial it seems. We got tight writing here, people! ...or so I'm told...) (HAMTON is raiding the refrigerator, while DIZZY proceeds to make an awful mess. HAMTON had just finished cleaning, too! ...yeah, it's kinda like "The Weird Couple" TV show, but what can you do?) HAMTON: Artichoke hearts... fish tails... onion dip from last New Year's Eve... AH! My favorite! Leftover soup from the Soup Schnotzie restaurant downtown! Yummy! DIZZY:(Spinning) ARGLESCHMARTZINBERGIDIVARKFEM.. HAMTON: Hey! Watch it! (Soup tips over HAMTON's head) OOOHHHH, THAT'S IT!!! Dizzy, if you don't clean up this mess immediately, I'll be sending you to Tasmania... Third Class Mail! DIZZY: (Unconcerned) Me no even pass Third Grade! HAMTON: Stop it! That's all I'm gonna take! NO SOUP FOR YOU!!! DIZZY: (VERY concerned now) Waaaa!!!!! Dizzy likes soup! HAMTON: Then you'd better clean up this mess or... (house is suddenly sparkling clean)... that's better! Hey, what's this? (HAMTON sees a video **WITH NO LABEL** - remember MAX mentioning that a while back? - so he puts it in the VCR to see what it is... Eerie music plays, with thunder and lightning. An old man appears...) MAN: This video is about Unsafe hazards around the home. Whenever possible, actual videos are taken away from those America's Funniest Toon Videos shows so that they never get the laugh track dubbed in along with a silly falsetto voice-over, so that we can show you unsafe household hazards first hand. This IS NOT a news broadcast. It is also not an episode of Jerry Stringer. I'm Robert Stash, and you're watching... "How to Dizzy-Proof Your Home"! HAMTON: Oh, this is the video I borrowed from Max's Video Store on Dodo's Membership card! I'd better return it before anyone notices that I forgot to! Hmmm... let's see... I'll be passing by there tonight, so I'll just drop it in the slot so they'll never know who had it all this time! (HINT: That's the part you're supposed to remember, okkaY?) (SCENE 4: Inside steinLEGHORN's office. For some reason. the audience never gets to see the Acme Loo Baseball Team Manager's face... Don't ask me why. PLUCKY enters, rather timidly.) PLUCKY: (nervously) You wanted to see me, Mr. steinLeghorn? BOSS: ('Cause BOSS is easier to type than MR. steinLEGHORN all the time) Yes, boy, come on in and sit down. I say, have a seat, my good man, so I can discuss some things at ya... I mean, WITH ya... Wassa matter, boy? Cat got yer tongue? Now that you mention cats, I hear it was you who traded Furrball for Calamite for today's game... or was it the other way around? PLUCKY: (Thinks this bit) ...Who can tell 'em apart? BOSS: (Gets up and walks around office, intimidating Plucky -and several of this episode's cameramen - into cowering) I've been watching the game straight from Acme Stadium on that there big screen television. I say, a BIG SCREEN, boy, can you dig it? It's got a big screen so's you can see stuff bigger! What a concept, you understand, boy? Now pay attention! PLUCKY: (Who *hasn't* been paying attention, since he's been thinking stuff to himself and the audience watching at home, of course, but I'm not gonna mention that 'cause it messes up the realism of the show... anyway, he's still thinking relatively privately here...) Yeah! That's it!! I gotta think BIG SCREEN TV! I'm gonna get some brilliant ideas from this guy! BOSS: ...And Furrball...or is that Calamite, who can tell 'em apart?... just keeps on missing those pitches thrown at him. He's striking I SAY he's striking out big time, boy... PLUCKY: (Thinking even more... this could be dangerous) ...Striking out big time... I know!! A show on Ross Parrot's political life! No... a remake of Green Ache-ers for the '90s! Or maybe... BOSS: (Tripping over various items strewn about the office) ...I say, boy, I say our boys out there on the field ...and our girls too, I might add... are gettin' mashed flat, pounded out, hammered into itsy bitsy pieces... PLUCKY: (Inaudlbly) That gives me another idea! A drama based on my Phys Ed class in ol' Acme Looniversity, or even another news show! That's got lots of mashing and pounding... BOSS: (Getting louder, as PLUCKY slips over a bunch of stale calzones on the floor)...What we need right now, boy, is a flying star we can make a wish on to save out team now... A real star! PLUCKY: (Whose eyes have become the shapes of stars suddenly) ABSOLUTELY!!! That's sheer genious, Mr. steinLeghorn!!! Plucky's gonna be big!!! A huge, massively HUGE, star!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (Leaves, slamming office door) BOSS: That's the spirit, boy! Got a few bats loose up in the ol' belfry, but that's the kind of spirit we need here! Darned if either of us knows what he's talkin' about, but who's gonna ask him? Darn fool never knows when ta shut up, but what enthusiasm! I remember when I was a boy, not as homely as that one, mind you, but when I was......... (SCENE 5: BUSTER's apartment again. Buster is still watching the ball game on television, but he is depressed over how badly Acme is doing. He switches stations as BABS enters) BABS: Hey, Buster! Have you seen Dodo? BUSTER: No, not since he tried scamming me into taking part in his latest scheme. He has this funny idea that he can train two lab mice to take over the world... Never gonna happen! BABS: I really gotta find him! I just know he isn't gonna return that video on time, and I'm gonna get hit with the late fees, and my credibility's gonna just start falling and falling and falling and... BUSTER: Calm down! It's just a buck fifty! BABS: You just don't understand! Dodo never returned one of his videos before, and now he's going to drag my reputation down to his level! Max already thinks that Dodo and I are in cahoots, and if he finds out that I rented that video for HIM, I'll be banned from the store! If that video doesn't get there on time, I'll never be able to show my face there again! BUSTER: Now why would you ever wanna go in that place? BABS: It's the principle of the thing! BUSTER: Why not just pull off one of your celebrity impressions, Babs? Max is a real dunderhead, remember? BABS: Of course he is, but I can't do that! Remember what happened last episode when I tried to imitate that late night talk show host? (FLASHBACK SEQUENCE - PLUCKY, DODO, and BUSTER and BABS are in Acme Restaurant.) RUBELLA RAT: Hi, I'm yer waitress, and you owe me $373 for the Carrot Sodas you ordered. PLUCKY: WHAT?!? I never even had a Carrot Soda! I can't stand the stuff, you guys know that! BUSTER: It was the bottled pond water you ordered that put the price up so high, Plucky! PLUCKY: It was? Oh well, then, never mind! (Leaves) DODO: Hey, he can't do that! ...can he? (Leaves too) Yep! he can! RUBELLA: (Bored) There ain't no one else goin' nowhere 'til this bill is paid. BUSTER: (Whispering to BABS) What're we gonna do? We can't afford all that! BABS: (Whispering back) Don't worry about it, Buster! It's under control! (BABS does one of her wild spins, and when she stops, she looks like Conan the O'Brien, low-budget late night talk show host) BABS: Well, my money's no good here... it's no good anywhere, to be quite honest, but don't tell the cops that! (Rimshot) How 'bout a tip? Don't eat the tuna! (Rimshot... as well as the sound of crickets chirping. Absolutely NO laughter.) RUBELLA: Hey, you're Conan the O'Brien, ain't you? I can't believe you're actually here! BABS: Really? Are you a fan? RUBELLA: No. Last time you were here, you ran up a bill of $800 bucks, and as everyone knows you never made that much money in a decade! (FLASHBACK TO PRESENT) BABS: Remember that time, Buster? BUSTER: No I don't. BABS: Me neither. We just had to throw in the mandatory Acme Restaurant scene somewhere in this episode, and I thought that this was as good a time as any. Say, what're you watching? BUSTER: I'm watching Swinefeld on TV. It doesn't make any sense at all! I mean, what does it mean when that guy asks "Are you the master of your domain?" anyway? BABS: I'm just so tense, Buster! What if Dodo doesn't show up with that video? BUSTER: Relax, Babs! (Gets an idea!) I know just the thing for you! (BUSTER pulls a beach backdrop, so now they're both on the beach instead of the apartment) Ah, let's catch some rays! You know, I love that cute beach outfit you're wearing! BABS: (Dreamily) Really? Well, I was thinking of you when I bought... Hey! Wait a minute! We gotta get back! What if Dodo shows up at his apartment and he still hasn't returned that video? BUSTER: (Sighing, since it's obvious that the plot writer, Hudson Duck, isn't gonna let this whole overdue video bit rest at all) OK, Babs, looks like we're gonna have to wait 'til after the show... (Pulls apartment backdrop down again) Hey Babsy, can you do that backdrop thing too? BABS: Yeah, but only when it's funny. (BUSTER and BABS settle in on the sofa to watch some television together. Both are obviously very happy to have some time together, but...) (PLUCKY enters apartment rather excitedly) BUSTER: (Sigh) What's new, Plucky? PLUCKY: I am intent on becoming the biggest star ever, Buster, that's what!!! BABS: I think he asked what was "New", Plucky! PLUCKY: I just came here to call my mother right away... is she ever gonna be impressed! (Dials number) BUSTER: You came up with an idea, Plucky? PLUCKY: I got a bunch of ideas, Buster! I just have to get Shirley to approve 'em forst, that's all... Hello, Mom? Guess what? I'm going to be the next biggext thing to hit Acme Acres!!! ...Um, yeah, Mom, I did eat my vegetables this afternoon... no, not the carrots! I hate carrots, you know that! BUSTER: Hey, mister, don't knock the carrots! You hear me? BABS: (Still annoyed with PLUCKY entering like that) That'll be the only knocking that guy ever does around here! PLUCKY: Will you please keep quiet?!? ...No, Mom, not you. You know how much I'd hate to ask YOU to quit nagging me! ...MOM, I am not wearing clean underwear! I'm not wearing ANY underwear... I don't even wear pants! No, I... BUSTER: You got a problem with carrots, duck? Maybe you shouldn't be in here, using MY phone... PLUCKY: YOU'RE the one with the problem, Mister! ... No, Mom, I wasn't calling you "Mister"... BABS: (Shaking her head) Oh, no... this comedy bit is soooo bad... I can't believe it actually made the final script... PLUCKY: Look, Mom, I got to go, alright? BUSTER: The nerve of some toons, barging into other toons burrows to insult their carrots! PLUCKY: ALRIGHT ALREADY!!! I'll eat the stupid carrots! Are you happy now?!? ...No, Buster, I wasn't talking to you... Bye, Mom. I know... Bye. (Hangs up and leaves) BABS: (Still shaking her head) Oh, this script is soooo bad... Buster, what's this?(BABS finds the video on Buster's television) BUSTER: Uhhh, it looks like Dodo must've left it here for some reason... I wasn't really listening to him 'cause I was watching TV and... BABS: You mean the video was here all along?!? It's supposed to be back in ten minutes, and that's all the way downtown! BUSTER: (Relaxed) Calm Down! This is not a problem! Watch! (BUSTER pulls down yet another backdrop which looks like a prop from How I Spent My Vacation... you know, the backdrop thing Buster pulled down when Babs was tanning in the sun? The cold one? Oh, you know...) BABS: Nice going, blue ears! Now we're in Siberia! BUSTER: HUH?!? I don't get it! I'll give it another shot... (BUSTER pulls down another backdrop) BABS: Where are we NOW? BUSTER: Hmmm... looks like the inside of a vending machine! PINKY: (Who is a lab mouse, standing inside one of the candy bar slots) NARF!!! (BUSTER tries yet again. music plays... it's a theme song of some sort!) MUSIC: "We'll be hare for you! (Our fur is pink and blue) "We'll be hare for you!(Stick together like glue) "We'll be hare for you! (Nyeahhh... this show bugs me too, doc!)" BABS: Not "Hyper-Active Friends"!! MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! (BUSTER gives it one last shot) BABS: Now we're back at your place, Buster! That was a fine waste of time! BUSTER: Waittaminnit!!! I don't understand!! Maybe I can dream up a car or something... (BUSTER manages to dream up a car!) BUSTER: Hey, it worked! For a second there, I thought we were stuck here! BABS: Look again, Mr. Alert! That's a used 1988 You-Never-Go! BUSTER: Why isn't this working anymore? I could do it before, and under unfunny conditions too! What's happening? BABS: Nothing. You see, Buster, when you did it before it wasn't funny, but it was leading up to something very funny in the end. Remember when I tutored you in all that stuff at Acme Loo? BUSTER: Um, tutored? Whoops! I guess I forgot all that minor stuff there! (blushes) BABS: But that stuff was the whole course! Did you pay attention to me at all? BUSTER: (Still blushing, 'cause he DID pay attention to her! Wink, wink!) Cough, ahem... this situation really isn't funny anymore! BABS: No, it is NOT funny, and you gotta do something about it!!! MAX: (From inside car) It's funny to me! HAHAHAH... (KABOOM!!!) ...ouch. BUSTER: I'll get it there, so don't worry, Babsy! BABS: Gee, I wonder how soon the writer of this bomb is gonna clue everything up... HUDSON DUCK: I'm doing my best, okkaY? I am getting very tired from all this imagining and typing and junk...... (SCENE 6: SHIRLEY's pad. Shirley is obviously being annoyed by the enthusiastic duck with the ego the size of Cleaveland. Plucky. Did I really have to point that out?) SHIRLEY: Oh get real, Plucky! Those are totally mondo disastaro ideas! PLUCKY: But Shirley! I wanna be on TV, and I called my Mom and everything!!! SHIRLEY: So, like, deal with it, Pluck-face! (Continues to try and meditate) PLUCKY: How about a family sitcom? We can have a Mom, a Dad, a Grandmother, some kids, their Aunt, and a next door neighbour kid who really irks everyone! Then, going into the third season, we can get rid of the aunt and one of the kids and hope the viewers won't notice! We can cover that up by calling the show "Family Really Matters", so no one'll see how we figured two of them to be real mistakes! How's that? SHIRLEY: Lame-O, Plucky! A show like that'll never work, not even on ABC! PLUCKY: (Growing frustrated) Well, you heard all my ideas. That's it. I got nothing left! Nothing at all!!! SHIRLEY: Um, like, what was that again? PLUCKY: Absolutely nothing! Not a thing!!! SHIRLEY: (Very happy) Plucky, you are, like, totaly totally a massive genious, are you there? I mean, you are brilliant and junk!!! PLUCKY: Huh?!? I don't get it. SHIRLEY: A show about totally nothing, you silly green duck! Like, we can do a mega hit comedy centering around you and your friends doing absolutely nothing and stuff! Do you catch my vibes, Plucky? PLUCKY: And it was me who gave you that idea? Of course it was! So I saved your job, then? SHIRLEY: Fer sher!! (Kisses Plucky tenderly... the biggest kiss EVER!!!!!) PLUCKY: Uh, oh... what's going on with the script here? Somethin' funny's going on he.......... [EDITOR'S NOTE: THE REST OF THIS SCENE HAS BEEN RENDERED UNREADABLE, DUE TO A MELTED HUDSON DUCK STUCK TO THE PAGES. WE NOW BRING YOU TO THE NEXT SCENE ALREADY IN PROGRESS. BUT BE WARNED: SINCE MOST OF HUDSON DUCK'S INARDS HAVE MELTED AFTER WRITING THE PREVIOUS SCENE, WHAT FOLLOWS IS CERTAIN TO BE THE MOST MESSED UP SCENE YOU HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU GET TO SEE BUSTER AND BABS RUNNING TO VIDEO STORE.] BABS: ...whole thing just by melting all over it! BUSTER: Well, at least THIS part of the script is legible... no melted duck anywhere to be seen! HAMTON: (Very jovially) Hello, Babs. Hello, Buster. BUSTER and BABS: (With resentment, shown for some reason which is never made clear) Hello, Hamton. BABS: What are you doing here? Isn't it in your contract that you only appear once per episode at most? HAMTON: Well, ideally, yes, but I just had to return a video to Video Store, and they were about to close, so I put it in the slot. (To audience) So remember that, alright? It gets important! BUSTER: Why are you telling us this? HAMTON: No! That was a hint for the audience! You guys weren't supposed to know, so pretend to be surprised when the plot takes one of those unexpected twists, got it? (HAMTON leaves) BABS: (Sighing) Is this episode almost over yet? (DODO is spotted running past in the background) DODO: (Yelling) Hey, come back here with that large mechanical suit containing two laboratory mice intent on taking over the world!!! BUSTER: That was pointless! (PLUCKY rushes past) PLUCKY: (Hurriedly) No time to chat... gotta get down to Acme- TV if I wanna catch the program director in a good mood! I spoke to him on the phone... Very touchy man, this guy! It doesn't take much to set him off, and when he's upset, he rejects everything! Better not be late... (PLUCKY leaves) BUSTER: You know, I get the feeling that bit of useless information is gonna play a bit part in the outcome of this show. BABS: Oh, this script is soooo messed up... BUSTER: Yeah, you're right. Let's just cut to the part where we're outside the video place... (BUSTER pulls the backdrop for the exterior of Max's Video store) BABS: NOW he can do it! Can you believe this?!?(BUSTER puts the video in the slot) BUSTER: There! Now it's returned! BABS: But now I gotta pay the late fee on it! BUSTER: Alright, look... here's a bunch of tickets to see my next comedy bit. That ought to be worth almost a buck fifty... (BUSTER gives BABS a bunch of tickets) BABS: Well, if that's all you got... BUSTER: Toons can't dream up money, remember? Uh, oh... who are those guys? (Several TOONS FROM THAT OTHER MAJOR ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY approach, along with DODO. They are obviously unhappy) DODO: Ah! There's the guy you want! He's Buster Bunnyfeld. I left that video at his apartment this morning! TOON 1: Oh really? Well, where is it now, Bunnyfeld? TOON 3: Ya better have it, or we're gonna pound youse! BUSTER: (To BABS) Uh, oh... who'da thunk a toon mouse could be so intimidating! (To TOONS) Heh heh, just one second, folks! (BUSTER enters video slot as BABS covers her eyes with her ears, 'cause both BUSTER and DODO are intimidated by a toon mouse!) TOON 1: We oughtta pound him for making us wait like that! TOON 2: Duh, Ahiccup!! Yeah, that's fer certain!! TOON 3: We're gonna pound him REAL GOOD!!! BABS: Wait a second! Here... I'm sure Buster doesn't mean to make you wait. Have some tickets to his next comedy bit at the Acme Comedy Club! TOON 1: Ah, who'd ever get caught in that place? I wouldn't even bring my dog there! TOON 3: But them tickets gotta be worth almost a buck fifty! Take 'em, Dummy! TOON 2: Duh, we'll take 'em! (BABS gives them the tickets, glad that she doesn't have to go to the comedy club... wouldn't YOU be?) (BUSTER emerges from slot with video, feeling all dusty and everything) BUSTER: Man, it's dark in there! But I found your video! TOON 1: Thanks. Well, see ya 'round! BUSTER: (To BABS) Gee, what'd you do to calm 'em down, Babsy? BABS: I gave 'em the tickets for the comedy club tomorrow night! HAHAHAHA!!!!! BUSTER: (Gulps) Tomorrow night?!? That's MY night there, remember! BABS: Oh, don't worry, Buster! They're just happy that they got their video, that's all! BUSTER: I guess you're right! (BUSTER and BABS leave) TOON 2: Duh, you shore this is the right video, Sickly Mouse? It ain't got no label on it! (SCENE... well, the scenes got kinda messed up, so I'm not too sure what this one should be numbered as, but anyway, it IS the next scene. It's in Acme-TV studios. Plucky is at the studio, plugging his new show already, and Fifi, a talent co-ordinator, is on the telephone.) PLUCKY: So, where is the program director? I've been waiting for hours! FIFI: (On phone) I am very sorry to hear you will not be in, Monsieur... What happened? Oh, mais no! You say your whole house was attacked by a bunch of demented toons from zat other major entertainment company? Why did zey do zat? Oh... now I vonder how their get-together vas ruined so badly zat they caused a riot out zere... What? But Monsieur will be most distressed to hear zat you are feeling so horrible zat you reject his television programme! PLUCKY: Uh, oh... she must be talking about me!!! My show's been rejected!! Now what am I gonna do? FIFI: (On phone) I zink he is here now, Monsieur. I vill tell him! (Hangs up) Are you Monsieur ... PLUCKY: Um...no no!!! I'm the new star in one of your other TV shows! The name's... well... it's Art Vanduckley! FIFI: Ah, oui! Ve have been vaiting for you! PLUCKY: (Surprised) What?!? You are!? You sure? Yes! I mean, of course you're sure! So, where do I go? FIFI: You go on this set right here... ve vill begin filming... NOW!!! ANNOUNCER: Time for "Boy East World", starring Dizzy Devil! DIZZY: Yummy! Duck soup!!! PLUCKY: AAARRRGGGGHHH!!! (PLUCKY escapes into the next set) DIZZY: Silly me! Me forget to put carrots in soup! ANNOUNCER: Prepare for "Excercising with Arnold"! ARNOLD: Yas! I used to vork as a Phys Ed teacher in Acme Looniversity, and I hav seen plenty ov puny, pathetic veaklings, like dis seely green duck! PLUCKY: mother.... ARNOLD: Hee's so soft und squeeshy und he rolls into ze perfect basketball! (PLUCKY is now rolled into the perfec... you guessed it!) Let us now play basketball vith de puny veakling. (Enter a bunch of huge guys to play basketball... tackle football style) ANNOUNCER: Here's a classic movie, starring Art Vanduckley! It's "The Anvil Chorus"! PLUCKY: ARRRGGGHHH!!! Why isn't my beak orange? And why are my feathers purple?!? What is going on here? (ANVILS begin falling at random... lots of fun to watch, really) FIFI: That would be ze modernized colorization, Monsieur! (PLUCKY gets hit with several really huge anvils. He decides that it enough) ANNOUNCER: It's "Apollo, Part 18"! ASTRONAUT: Hello. My name's Forrest... Forrest Buzz. Would you like a space carrot? (Rocket ship takes off with PLUCKY and ASTRONAUT) PLUCKY: Well, I always knew I was gonna be among stars someday... ASTRONAUT: Uh, oh... Looks like we're headin' straight for another anvil shower! As my momma always said... PLUCKY: NOOOOO!!!!! (Back to FIFI outside the set. A man enters and obviously is a comedian with no sense of humor) FIFI: (To the new guy ) Ah, so you must be Monsieur Plucky, n'est pas? Ze program director loved ze show idea!! A show about nothing is so very unique!! It is so much better zan ze other show Monsieur O'Brien submitted! Zat idea was rejected a few moments ago! MAN: Actually, I am Conan the O'Brien... guess I'll just leave... FIFI: Non, non!! I have an idea! Seeing as how Monsieur Plucky never showed up here, you can replace him in ze show about nothing,! As well, you have so much more experience! (PLUCKY can be heard screaming "NOOOOO!!!!" far into the galaxy...) (CLOSING CREDITS...PLEASE!!!!!! BUSTER is giving his material as the show ends in the comedy club) BUSTER: You know what else I don't get? TV shows which end when the closing credits are played. Is that some way of getting the audience to read those things? It doesn't work! If you really want to get someone to read the closing credits, you gotta slip in a few fake ones! You know, stuff like "Elmer Fudd is a dolt" and stuff like that! HECKLER: Hey, Bunnyfeld! Remember us? You gave us the wrong video the other day! HECKLER 2: Duh, yeah! The one on how to Dizzy-proof yore home! HECKLER 3: I says we pound him REAL GOOD!!! (Everyone in the audience floods the stage) BUSTER: And that's a wrap! (Flees from the stage) THE END BABS: I thought it was never gonna get here! HUDSON DUCK: Tell me about it... I REALLY gotta go potty!